Back On The Bandwagon....

What an interesting month or so it's been.... no words to sum it up.
In the last few weeks I've started to go out more than I have my entire life. Out to drinks with the girls, out to clubs to dance. I'm 22. This is what 22 year olds do. What's held me back? Myself... being self conscious. Thinking I was the ugliest, fatest, most digusting thing alive and people would wonder why such a disaster was let out in public.
That was then.... this is now..... I am happy. I am single. I am confident. I am free of those feelings of worthlessness.
My band is a little all over the place. One day it'll be really loose, the next very tight. It's hormone based so I'm just riding with it. I am booked in for a fill August 31st so we'll see how we go.
Something very exciting happened tonight.... I WORKED OUT!! YAY!!! I haven't been working out for awhile. Basically since the ex boy and I started seeing each other. 8 minutes into the workout I said to myself "Why the hell did I stop? This is fucking brilliant!" that feeling that working your body, is like nothing else. It's so so addictive. I'm back!! I'm back into the mindset I need to be in to get to my goal....
My end goal is to be under 70 kilos.
My current goal is to get to 83 kilos. That will be 40 kilos lost. There is no time limit. But I'm hoping that with the exercise, increased water, decreased crapnes of food, and a fill- that I can get the 4ish kilos off within a 4-6 weeks.
I shall start food diaries again also. It's a great way to keep on track and get feedback for my lovely readers....
Let's go!!! Back on the Bandwagon!!!

Just keeps going and going....

Car accident, hospital, uncle dying....big weekend.

Have a cold now....so stress and cold makes a TIGHT BAND!!!!!

Liquids for now I think.... band is still swollen from the drama of Friday night...

Just a little scare

I got rushed to hospital at 11 pm last night with SEVERE stomach and intestine cramps. They radiated into my back also. You know the type where you cant even talk- I was moaning in agony....
The pain went away after some lovely pain meds from the paramedics. I had some blood work done and xrays. There wasn't anything wrong- band is fine. White blood cell count was a little high suggesting inflammation. I have to go get more blood work done Monday morning and see my specialist that afternoon. I WAS planning on having a fill.....yeah maybe not now!!
They honestly dont know what it was. Nothing felt stuck at all. After this long banded I know what thats like. Its not gallbladder- I hadnt had anything majorly fatty that day to eat.
It could quite possibly be stress. It has been a horrid month for me as regular readers would have noticed. I also had a minor car accident Thursday. My luck.... my luck....
I just have to keep telling myself that the universe wouldnt deal me this hand if I couldnt cope. I am a strong person and I just have to keep fighting on through.
I msged the boy last night whilst I was in hospital telling him where I was. I got nothing back. HE IS AN ARSEHOLE. Looking at his history, looking at our history, putting everything together Ive realised he is a bad person. And my intuition usually doesnt sdo me wrong. I am a smart woman. Obviously I needed to go through this in my life path.....
I'm tired....I'm going to go rest...

It feels a little lighter on my heart...

Today was a good day. No, today was a great day. Today was the first day since this mess that I've felt the light. Not felt anxious, smiled from the inside out and really really been myself. The new old me.
Last night I realised a few things. I had a huge lightbulb moment when it came to the boy and the "relationship" and how I was treated. It wasnt good. It wasnt good at all. And when I realised none of this was my fault- that I just happened to be with someone who is toxic and self destructive- I felt much better. I don't need him. I don't need him as anything- not a friend, not a boyfriend. He is just a memory to me now.
I went back to work on Monday. It was surprisingly amazing. I was supported and welcommed back warmly. To a point where I withdrew my resignation. I realised that a massive reason I was stressed at work was because the boy would text me or call me in the mornings with all his drama and shit and I'd be anxious and stressed before the day started. This week- without his shit I've felt amazing.
Banding wise....I went from not eating at all to now eating everything in sight! Fill on Monday. Getting .2mls. I love getting fills. Is that weird? Its control for me. And I'm all about control....

Freedom is MINE!

I quit my job today. I gave one months notice. I have no job to go to. I just needed out. I feel so so so amazing right now!
Tomorrow I am going to drop the stuff off to the boy. Its my goodbye. I am in control.
This week is my week. I am taking back the reins. And it feels so very liberating!
Watch this space.... cause I am about to reinvent myself!

Meltdown...

I was doing so well.....
I felt stronger than I have in two weeks. I felt more in control of my life and my emotions.
Then I had to call my boss..... she was horrible. I cried afterwards. She bullied me and belittled me. I havent been happy there all year. But this was the cherry on top of the cake. I took the last two weeks off after the boy thing with a medical certificate. The doctor feels I am suffering from anxiety and depression. That was stated on the med cert. This meant my boss felt she had/has free range to ask me any personal question under the sun- including if I was seeing a counsellor and what we discussed. I'm done. I'm out.
Crying all day- feeling low. I was just getting a handle on things.... the boy called for my bday too. That didnt help. I'm not contacting him- im waiting for him to contact me. I want to talk to him so badly but it hurts me more....
Tomorrow I'm heading out- handing out resumes.... I dont really mind where I work right now... I just want something low pressure. There is a job at the local pet store.... that wouldnt be too bad at all!
Food wise.... Im getting there.... I screwed myself over the last two weeks... only eating one small meal a day... so now I'm trying to build myself back up to proper meals...finding it hard... forcing myself to eat. But I'll get there. I've apparently lost stacks these last few weeks. I can tell too... look for the positives? Mmm.... not even funny....
I'll push through.... just finding it so hard. I feel strong then get knocked down again.... I know thats life... but I expected things to be different.... I thought my life was finally on the up....

Birthday....

22 today.....starting to feel old....haha- I know, I know....
The boy has been texting and calling a lot today- after a few days of distance. I don't know if I want him to be or not.... we'll see how I continue to feel. Those feelings sure wont be going away anytime soon...
Car broke down.... cost me $255- Happy Birthday!
Boss wants to talk.... eeek.... kinda wish she'd fire me....make it easier...haha....
Feeling better.....getting there.....no longer feeling hopeless...feeling hopeful....

P.s..... Thinking of you Nikki, for your big banding day tomorrow. Love you lots and sending lots of good vibes!