Healing

I feel better today. Kind of in my old self. Its extremely hard to explain. I feel like the last week was a bad dream- and I'm on the other side of it. Mostly.
I learnt a lot during this experience, and slowly I am learning what these things are. One of the things that I am greatful for is the fact that the boy helped me forgive my sister. He got me to see things from a different perspective and I was able to move forward. She is coming home tomorrow for two weeks, so I am very glad things have mostly been resolved.
He isn't doing too well. He seems incredibly low. Thinks he's worthless and not worth any of my time. Hes going into a major depression. And it seems he broke up with me to save me from the pain of him losing himself. I'd be dragged down with him. He knows that and has done the right thing by me by letting me go so I don't go through that. I miss him. I love him. But I can't save him.
I have lost weight as a result of this. (Think of the positives right? Haha) I have offically lost 37.3 kilos. Wow. Almost 40 kilos. And I thought 30 was amazing. I am very proud of myself. The stress of the last week has made the number on the scales go down- and I don't in any way suggest that that is healthy. Lets get that straight.

This week is about me. Its about healing me. And I plan to do what I need to do to make myself realise I am important. I am special. And that no man- no matter how much I loved him- will break me.

The Hurt

No one can ever know the ins and outs of a relationship/friendship that they weren't a part of. I could sit here and try and explain it all to you but I don't need too. I was NOT a booty call. He did the right thing by me by ending it sooner rather than later- he can't commit. He is the one with the issues, not me. And I need to take time away and heal from this. He did love me- he DOES love me- he just cannot let his issues go, and unfortunately for him, those issues stood in the way of happiness. We've spoken everyday since it's happened, and will continue to be friends (well we'll give it a go!)....
I need to regroup and focus on me.... because the me I've become isnt the me I wanted to be...
I've been feeling low for awhile now. Somewhere along the line I lost the "spark" that I had. I lost myself.
I need to find myself again. Because I've been weighed down by other issues and lost my identity. A huge part of that was the guy thing....another part was my job. I've had a few days off to think, and plan to take next week off also so I can look for more work.
I left uni- I am in no frame of mind to do that right now. I don't know what I want to do. I'm only 21- the world is my oyster and I don't need to figure out what I want to do right now. I don't need all the answers today, or tomorrow, or in a months time...
As you can see- banded life becomes normal life again.... changed however... life isn't always about the scales (although now 86.5!) or a dress size....
I hurt. I hurt more than I ever have. I've never cried so much. I'm low. And I'm leaving myself open here readers.... I could put my wall up... but I started this blog to open my world to others, and will continue to do so.
In the words of my true love, John Mayer (shout out angie! Love you xoxo) "Good Love is on the way.... I'll be lonely but I know I'll be ok" ......
One day, there will be a man out there who will not only love me, and look at me the way the boy did (he was my first proper love, and I wont ever get over him....) but this future man will commit to me.
This is all learning.... this is life.... life can hurt. I put walls up so I wouldnt get hurt. And the last few days I asked myself why I let it down with him. But if I hadnt let them down, I wouldnt be living. And I wouldnt have learnt what I did. And learned to love. I don't regret him....I just hurt...

Done

Well you got what you wanted... he ended things yesterday. I will not go into details. No one knows what went on between us and I find it rude and distasteful the comments that were left on my last post.
From now on I will not comment about my personal life.

Coming down

I got home from my holidays on Thursday. I had an amazing time away. The fun kept on until this arvo when the boy left to go home. Then it was back to reality with work starting again tomorrow.
Sigh....
I hate my job. I'm looking for something else as a "filler" in the meantime whilst I get my head into gear. Being in a shitty job you can't stand with a boss that treats you with such disrespect really screws with your self confidence. So when I'm outta there I know I'll be able to get back into gear and focus on career goals. Right now I can't see the bigger picture...
Leaving the boy is ALWAYS hard. I drive him home (he lives an hr and a half away) and the drive home is usually spent with me crying. I always miss him. We had such an amazing 10 days together and I am so so thankful that I got that. For any of my facebook friends there are photos of us on there :0) Our relationship status is same old same old (not together but exclusive). Its purely him saying that. He says we arent together but actions speak louder than words. The boy is very much in love with me, that is obvious. Don't worry, I won't gush. But I'm extremely happy. And so so so very much in love.......
Weight wise..... um people I went away for a week.... so how about we leave it a week and THEN i'll jump on the scales? Because thats plain ridiculous and self damaging to jump on right now!! I am noticing though that I am less restricted than usual. So I will see how I go in the next few weeks. I might leave it as is- and focus on more filling food and pump the veggies into me. I am feeling really tired at the moment- but I am having really bad sinus issues. Probably doctor time for some anti-biotics because NOTHING is getting rid of the pain, headaches and extreme tiredness!!
Better head to bed.... work tomorrow.... sigh....
There are some photos of me on my holiday taken by the boy....check them out at http://bridgetparkerphotogallery.blogspot.com

Quick Hello

Hey guys,

On holidays at the moment, just letting you know I'm having a blast :0)
Went ice skating today and also organised my tattoo. Things the old Bridget wouldnt have done. New found confidence in myself is at an all time high and previous fears and anxities arent an issue.
Its so freeing.....

35 down- 15 to go!

Man I can eat this week. I've gone from having no interest in food whatsoever so really looking forward to eating a meal. I don't see that as a bad thing at all. I'll just monitor it and make sure it doesn't get of control on me. But you know me, I'm always on top of it!
I get to see my gorgeous best friend tomorrow! Shes making a quick visit to the coast for the weekend so that'll be nice! Then next weekend I am going away for a week to Coffs to see her with my guy! Very exciting!
Have a look at the info on LapBand for the Mind guys- they have a great deal on at the moment with the ebook!
Weight still at 87.... I've decided I want to lose another 15- to take the total to 50 kilos lost....