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Friday, July 24, 2009

The Hurt

No one can ever know the ins and outs of a relationship/friendship that they weren't a part of. I could sit here and try and explain it all to you but I don't need too. I was NOT a booty call. He did the right thing by me by ending it sooner rather than later- he can't commit. He is the one with the issues, not me. And I need to take time away and heal from this. He did love me- he DOES love me- he just cannot let his issues go, and unfortunately for him, those issues stood in the way of happiness. We've spoken everyday since it's happened, and will continue to be friends (well we'll give it a go!)....
I need to regroup and focus on me.... because the me I've become isnt the me I wanted to be...
I've been feeling low for awhile now. Somewhere along the line I lost the "spark" that I had. I lost myself.
I need to find myself again. Because I've been weighed down by other issues and lost my identity. A huge part of that was the guy thing....another part was my job. I've had a few days off to think, and plan to take next week off also so I can look for more work.
I left uni- I am in no frame of mind to do that right now. I don't know what I want to do. I'm only 21- the world is my oyster and I don't need to figure out what I want to do right now. I don't need all the answers today, or tomorrow, or in a months time...
As you can see- banded life becomes normal life again.... changed however... life isn't always about the scales (although now 86.5!) or a dress size....
I hurt. I hurt more than I ever have. I've never cried so much. I'm low. And I'm leaving myself open here readers.... I could put my wall up... but I started this blog to open my world to others, and will continue to do so.
In the words of my true love, John Mayer (shout out angie! Love you xoxo) "Good Love is on the way.... I'll be lonely but I know I'll be ok" ......
One day, there will be a man out there who will not only love me, and look at me the way the boy did (he was my first proper love, and I wont ever get over him....) but this future man will commit to me.
This is all learning.... this is life.... life can hurt. I put walls up so I wouldnt get hurt. And the last few days I asked myself why I let it down with him. But if I hadnt let them down, I wouldnt be living. And I wouldnt have learnt what I did. And learned to love. I don't regret him....I just hurt...

6 comments:

lapbandlife said...

The only way to have a life is to live it. That's going to mean sometimes things don't turn out the way you want them to but you can't lock yourself away forever. That said, not every boy in your life has to be "the one" or relationship material. You're only 21 - go out and have some fun!

So my advice is, take some time in hurt-city, eat some (low fat) ice-cream, then dust yourself off and go and do SOMETHING. Just don't fester in pity. You're a bright, gorgeous chick who should be out enjoying life.

Hope you don't find anything I've said derogatory, just trying to help.

Em :)

Melanie said...

It sounds like you're handling things just fine - hurting is normal after such an event. You've made rational decisions in deciding you couldn't study at present and you've taken some time out from other commitments. It would perhaps be helpful to turn to your spiritual work again to help centre yourself and perhaps receive some inspiration and guidance. Sending you some white light! thanks for the comment too,
Melanie

Angie said...

I'm so sorry you're so sad Bridg, but i have full confidence you will pull through this. Love ya muffin!

Jane said...

Bridget, you are such a brave and inspiring person. I finally made the decision to get my lap band because of reading your blog. Don't ever sell yourself short.

As for the boy - it will hurt. I've been married for nearly 10 years and it still hurts!

Only you and the boy know what went on between the two of you. The rest of us can speculate. You don't sound like the crazy type (as in bad crazy. I do think you have a wonderful good crazy streak that makes this blog so cool to visit) so I can't imagine you were deceived or led to believe the relationship was anything other than what it was.

If I've learnt something over the years, it's that we all grieve in our own way. And that's our absolute right. So you grieve. But know that there are heaps of people in internet land that are watching and wishing you well.

:-)

Leslee said...

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling low right now Bridget. I've always gone by the live and learn mentality and lets face it shit happens. Before you know it you'll be looking back and thinking of all the things you did learn and how if you hadn't let your walls down and became vulnerable would never have learned.

Passionatetraveller said...

at the end of the day bridget you loved him and he loved you. he was just imperfect and couldn't commit and that is not a crime it's a fault. One he may grow out of in time but you did the right thing and let him go. you deserve someone to commit to you and you are strong enough to get over this l know you and l know that love forever is a wonderful thing. believe in it and wait coz it will happen. Don't worry what otehr people think you have more intergrity at 21 than alot of people and you are only just beginning to work out what you want so take things slow and easy mate. l am always here at my wise old age lol of 32 and happily married to tell you that l had to date or meet several men to find the right one and when you do you know it's uncomplicated and unreal. sending love lovely your way and you know my number if you need to talk. x mandi from melbs