The Learning Of Bridget Parker

What a year....as the end of the first half of the year approaches, I've realised my journey is far from over. For some reason I thought that with my weight issues being somewhat resolved life would sail smoothly from there. I didn't realise the journey would continue, that this is the process called life. Learning. Living. Loving.
Learning- not only learning about my new self, my growing self.... but starting uni to study for a new career.
Living- having hopes and dreams.....
Loving- loving..... something I've not experienced on this level before. Love of myself, and love of another person. Someone in this world loves me, loves me for everything I am, every imperfection, every body hang up I have, everything I told myself someone wouldnt love about me. I spent the last 6 years with a wall up. Convinced myself that the only person I needed to love was myself. I became Miss Independent, shut out everyone and focused on myself. Not a bad thing, but not something I could keep up forever. Those three words were spoken and the wall went down. And life turned upside down. And I'm learning to adjust to this new life, these new emotions. I didnt realise love was so so powerful. That it could have this power over you. Coming to someone who is a control freak its a very weird thing. And I've spent weeks trying to get a grip on it then realising this week- let it go, let it flow.
I'm past the stage of blogging about what I eat. Who cares. Food is food- its only there for me nutritionally now. I have no interest in it as a comfort.
I started walking again yesterday after a few months off. I am planning to enter the city to surf this year with my dad!
My sister called last night AND APOLOGISED to me..... we talked, I accepted her apology.... I was sure to tell her that I would never talk to her again if she was to do anything like that to me once more. It feels good. I'm hesitant naturally, but feeling good.
I put in for a week of mid July. I am going to see my bestest bestest bestest friend Tegan (love you!) with my guy. He suggested it :0) I cannot wait! I hate hate hate my job right now. I need a break! Im contemplating actually trying to find something else- anyone wanna offer me a job? Lol....
Have a great weekend guys. I have zilch plans which sucks (Im finding that Im in a transitioning stage of friends once again and I'm left with no one.....) but I'll study and have some sleeeeep!

Smiles

I had a big chat with my best friend/soul mate Teegs (shout out babes I love you!!). She moved away about two years ago and I miss her terribly. She's decided to get the band in December and I'm so happy for her. Anyway, she has the ability to tell me something everyone else has said, but make me understand it fully and let it sink in. Last night we chatted about my emotional saga over the last few weeks/months and I had a lightbulb moment. I've been suffering anxiety over the incident with my sister. Feelings of worthlessness and just really low and lost. In talking to my bestie I realised- I'll never get what I want from her. I'll never get that apology. And if I was too, it wouldnt really statisfy me. Because it wouldnt feel genuine- its too late after the fact. I can't let it ruin me. If I keep down this road it will. I have too many great things happening in my life. It will not ruin me. So I've decided to forgive her. I wont forget, but I will forgive. And I'll write her a letter to tell her all the things Ive always wanted to say. And I will move on. And I will focus on the great success of my new life. It feels good. I feel light again and me. Its magnificent...
I spoke at my doctors information session last night. It was something I've wanted to do since I went to my own last year. So I've achieved another one of my goals. Just when 15-16 months ago I was planning to settle for a life of no goals/dreams..... now I am fulfilling mine!
Funny thing happen last night afterwards when people were coming up to me asking me questions- I got hit on. Yeah flattering I suppose..... apart from the fact he was an overweight, 50 year old orange haired man who was rather sleezy and decided to tell me rather unfunny dirty jokes!!! He said the only problem with me losing weight was that all the boys would be chasing after me.... (then he moved closer eeek) and that I should ditch the one I'm with and have as much fun as possible.... hmmm..... yeah laugh, you know you want to!
As of this morning I'm down to 87.1. Now honestly people, I am not dieting or any such nonsense. I am eating. I have no emotion towards food and am eating to live. I don't know why I've started to lose so quickly (I've lost 800 grams this week) but the only suggestion I have is that I started the pill about two weeks ago and its one that helps with skin and weight. My skin certainly looks better and I ain't complaining about the weight at all!! Hehe...
Ok enough of a rant for the night.... I am glad I'm feeling more positive....feeling back to Bridget... back to positive self talk and kicking the negative crap out the window!

Nervous Excitement

Hey Guys,
Juat realised that my last post was my 300th! Wow! 300 posts....
Has anyone else discovered that after banding whenever they begin a new medication it takes awhile for the side effects to wear off? I, unfortunately are one of these people. I started a drug about a week and a half ago and I've been nauseous ever since. Its HORRIBLE.... because I am trying to study whilst wanting to throw up.... Im trying to do everyday things and its really getting to me. We all know how horrible it is not to feel 100%. Hoping it passes soon.
Tomorrow night I am talking at my surgeons information evening. To say I am nervous is an understatement. This is where I don't know if the nausea is related to the drug or the fact I am scared!! Haha.... no I am not too bad.... just wish I felt like myself. I am excited. Its a huge thing for me- I remember going to my information session and saying to myself, and visualising myself up there talking about my lap banding experience. Very much what Oprah likes to call a "full circle moment"..... so that should be good.
No scales for me right now. I am pretty sure after this nausea wears off I might put on a kilo or so because I am honesty not eating a whole heap right now, therefore feeling really tired too. Stuying takes it out of you also!
As for Uni- I am loving it. Big workload but one of the modules I'm studying- Interpersonal Communication has really made me realise this is what I want to do. Hating Introduction to Contemporary Society just between you, me and the Internet!
Work sucks hardcore. Over it. Wake up every morning and say " What are my chances of being able to successfully chuck a sickie today?" then I grumble and get out of bed. I think its harder now because I know that this isn't my future- and that soon I'll be doing something I love. But I have to keep saying "this is just a stepping stone" ....that will hopefully get me through.
I have planned to take a week off in July however. Uni break so its the perfect time. The guy has put in for the week off too so we'll get to HOPEFULLY spend the whole week together. Please send positive vibes that he gets it off haha... I really need something to look forward to. Hehe.
I miss blogging... its a great release for me. Must do more often...
Hope everyone is well...
Dont forget to check out the new piccy at my gallery... think I might take one with a tighter fitting top so that I can see the difference...

Yay!!

New photo up in the photo gallery for you to check out (yeah sorry guys, took my time ay!) AAANNNNDDDD...... check out my Weight Loss Ticker!! Offically lost 35 kilos!! Yay for me!!

Confronting

I've had a meltdown.
A few nights ago my mother told me my sister was coming home for a week to renew her license. I lost it. The idea of her being in the same state let alone the same house scares the shit out of me. In December last year she attacked me- smashed a window into my face. Turns out I didnt really deal with the issue at all. I tried to push through it. I tried to exercise it away, eat it away, not eat it away, tried to change my career path to stop myself from thinking about it, even tried to meet a guy so that he could be my knight in shining armour and make me forget and make me feel whole again.
I can't stop crying. I have this physical heavy hurt feeling 24/7. I feel so so alone and low. Its so isolating. Because you want someone to save you. And they can't. And everyone I love isn't around. My best friend is 6 hours away and the guy is 2 hours away.
I organised an appointment for tomorrow with a psychologist. After telling her the issues I am having- whats happened the last 7 months she agrees with my theory of PTSD- post traumatic stress disorder.... so the week I start a counselling course I end up realising I have this. Excellent...
Uni might have to wait another term... I need to get on top of this first....
I needed a vent....

The New Old Me Returns...

How to explain this???.....
For the last two months I lost my mojo. And I was constantly on the search to find what it was that happened to make me lose my path. I finally realised last week that a medication I was taking had side effects of depression. So I hopped off it after seeing my doctor and I am starting to feel much more Bridget like :0)
I've spent some of today cleaning- clear space = clear mind. I needed it. I need to be as on my game as I can for the start of uni. Nice and organised!!
As of this morning my weight is 88.9 kilos. I've lost 34.1 kilos and if I still want the goal of being 69 kilos I am 19.9 kilos away from it....!!! I am taking it two kilos at a time at the moment though- next goal is to be 87... I'd love to be 85 by July.... and 80 by August. But I have to be realistic. Weight doesn't just fall off after being banded for 15 months. I'll give it a crack. Would be nice to be 80 for my birthday in August though...
Taking back control of myself. Making plans again. Living like a single girl. (Yeah well I am- I can't wait around for the guy to decide for us to be together because its obvious that aint gonna happen. We are together but we arent. So why pretend to be with someone and make future plans when in reality you'll just end up hurt?)....
Had a little thought today.... The main reason I was starting this Uni course was because I wanted to become a health and wellness coach- working with people with weight issues (in particular people with the band) and help them unlock the key aspect of the journey which is their headspace. But it seems in the last few months the market has exploded and every man and his dog is getting on board and trying to make a couple of bucks... what will it be like in 3 years time? Honestly.... I really need to think about what else I want to do with this degree because I am worried that by then everyone will have "band overload" and it'll be too much. Thoughts?

Ooopsy!

Hey guys,

Sorry its been awhile....
So in the last week I've blogged...... hmmm..... well I got a fill last Monday- .2mls .....that didn't seem to do the trick- so I went yesterday to get .2mls more in. Having that in I feel much better...its taken away that morning hunger I despise ( you know when you wake up and you feel like your stomach will turn against you and start attacking itself) and wanting snacks in between meals.
I'm sick..... started as an average run of the mill cold that went for my chest and also attacked my throat leaving my "Voiceless" ...... thats NOT so great when you are a preschool teacher and you have 14 two year olds running around thinking its awesome that they can't hear the teacher!! ( Yes I SHOULDNT have been at work but thats what you get when you don't have any relief staff to work for you and you can't take anymore time off because you desperately need the $$)
I'm not exercising. I was all geared up and ready to go on Saturday- Dad and I were going to do a 5 km walk... but no... I woke up and could barely move. Always the way! When I am feeling better I'm going to start it up again.
Guy Goss.... hmmmm well its still "no relationship zone" but we arent seeing anyone else? Tres confusement.... I am ok with the way things stand. We only get to see each other once a week- he lives a bit over an hr away from me. I love him, he loves me.....
Uni starts next week!!! I'll probably use the long weekend to get well and start all my reading! Slightly nervous at the work load however I know this is what I should be doing with my life. I think I have a lot to offer others and will try and steer people in the right direction!
Getting close to June 17th! My surgeon has asked me to talk at the next info session.... slightly nervous... trying not to think about it actually because it will scare me! Lol.... I am ok with public speaking- Im just not too sure what to say....
All for now.... I shall put photos up when I look half decent... being sick doesnt bode well with me lol....