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Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Confronting

I've had a meltdown.
A few nights ago my mother told me my sister was coming home for a week to renew her license. I lost it. The idea of her being in the same state let alone the same house scares the shit out of me. In December last year she attacked me- smashed a window into my face. Turns out I didnt really deal with the issue at all. I tried to push through it. I tried to exercise it away, eat it away, not eat it away, tried to change my career path to stop myself from thinking about it, even tried to meet a guy so that he could be my knight in shining armour and make me forget and make me feel whole again.
I can't stop crying. I have this physical heavy hurt feeling 24/7. I feel so so alone and low. Its so isolating. Because you want someone to save you. And they can't. And everyone I love isn't around. My best friend is 6 hours away and the guy is 2 hours away.
I organised an appointment for tomorrow with a psychologist. After telling her the issues I am having- whats happened the last 7 months she agrees with my theory of PTSD- post traumatic stress disorder.... so the week I start a counselling course I end up realising I have this. Excellent...
Uni might have to wait another term... I need to get on top of this first....
I needed a vent....

4 comments:

Melanie said...

It's interesting that it's not an uncommon phenomena as far as I'm aware for people to seek out counselling courses to do when what they really need is some psychological support themselves. Seeing the counsellor tomorrow is a great move - it shows you are looking after yourself and you need to make yourself the priority. You can love your sister at some soul level but you don't have to like her and it sounds right that you fear her violent tendencies. let's face it if you weren't related you wouldn't go within miles of her. Your mum is is such a hard position - dealing with a child with mental problems, who she knows has hurt the other child etc etc - your mum might need psychological support too. DO what's right for you - don't start the course if it's too much but don't let your sister de-rail the dream either. You're in my thoughts. Mel

Shrinking Dolly said...

Hey there Chicky.

Such a lot to get through and come out on a positive side. Well done for recognizing that you need help.
Mel couldnt have said it better, that sometimes we love family, but its healthier not to have day to day interaction with them. Take time out for yourself, and perhaps plan your time things for you, rather than being in the same place as your sister. Hopefully, she will move on quickly and you now have the opportunity to work on healing so you can continue to strive for your dreams.

Doll

Tully said...

Take care Bridget, I hope your appointment with the psychologist helps.

Look after yourself.

Diz said...

Hey Bridge...Sorry about the sister-thang. My sister and I do NOT get along. I had to do the same thing you're doing. And you are doing the right thing. There will be a time when she no longer has such power over you. You will be the strong one and she won't have the effect that she does. I'm with ya Girlie.