My life as it was, as it is, and as it will be.....

I am way too sentimental. I am way too emotional. But I guess I have a right to be. 2008 was the year of my life. I started my life this year. Total re-birth.
This time last year I look back on and it feels surreal, and bittersweet. That poor girl. That poor shell of a girl. She was so lost. So hopeless. In such desperate need of help- she needed saving from herself. I remember her being sure (like every other year) that the next year would be different. In all honesty I think maybe it was another cop out. She was pretty sure that not much was to amount of her life- that she was plod along in life, falling through the cracks, not living her dreams just dreaming of them.
I can't talk about her as me. I don't know her anymore and I can tell you now, that I never will be back at that place. So its with joy that I am tonight saying goodbye to her. Letting her go once and for all. She won't weigh me down anymore.
Its about this time last year that the frustration of my weight/life really hit me. Taking you back to the beginning of 2008- in a few days time I was to learn about lap band surgery. It is all so weird for me. Thinking of that moment- when I decided to take control of my life. What a moment!
I could honestly sit here all night and relive every amazing experience (and yes, the bad ones too) but Im going to keep them locked here in my heart. And smile all night thinking of them.

So, 2009. Wow you poor bugger! You've certainly got a lot of expectation on you. But I know that the next year of my life will be just as amazing. My resolutions for 2009 are:

• Smile
• Stay focused on your goals
• Stay positive
• Get out of that stupid box you put yourself in and let loose
• Dream big dreams- they can come true if you allow them
• Fall in love with my body (then fall in love with a man)
• Get to my goal weight
• Drink more water
• Exercise after work
• Forgive the past and leave it there

I hope that wherever you are tonight, you take a minute to stop and really smile. Awknowledge your beauty and your power. Praise yourself for your accomplishments. Have a brilliant night, and I'll see all my beautiful blog followers in 2009.....

Cleaning....

So I've been on holidays for a week. What have I done, nothing. I havent done any of the numerous assignments I've got piled up waiting for me to start, I havent exercised, I havent even had a proper days food. I think I am exhausted mentally and physically. But I've had enough. I am sick of staying up until 4 a.m (reading), getting up crazy late, and doing nothing productive in my day.
I have had a huge cloud looming right above me with the sister issue. Shes gone thankgod. But she still seems to be fucking us all over. I decided today that I needed to clean her room. I hadnt been in it since the window incident those weeks ago. The room needed a major clean and I thought it might be a good idea for me to be the one to do it. So I've spent the last few hours cleaning away. I rearranged her room and put some little bridget touches to it- pillows, wall ornaments etc. If any of you had seen her room you would flip at my end result. She never kept her room tidy or clean. No one understood how she could live in such mess. Under her bed was the worst, knives and forks, leftover food, cigarettes, glass etc...
Food wise, I could eat a horse. I've noticed my fucked up eating habits since then. I won't eat proper meals, I snack all day. When I do eat its nothing substantial. Bring on next Monday I say. I am only getting .2-.3 put in, but that will make all the difference..
I've missed blogging. My heart hasn't been in it. I think my need for it has come back. It was such a cleansing thing for me. But I think I got too scared of what people were reading, afraid I was revealing too much. This blog might take a change of course sometimes, banding life and "normal" life begin to intertwine after a certain amount of time being a bandster. Let's see where it takes me.
Tomorrow night I have no New Years plans. That kinda blows. Ive never been huge on it to be honest with you. But I want to do something spesh, celebrate my amazing rollercoaster year, and bring in the one in which I know I'll get to my goal weight... I'll make sure I post my resolutions too :0)

Full Tummy

Hey guys,

I am soooooooooo full. I hate it. I hate being able to eat so much. HATE HATE HATE IT! I cannot wait until Jan 5th. I hate not feeling like Im in control. I hate that I feel like a fat elephant.
So the plan is- drink shit loads of water and keep a food diary. I am going to make sure I stick to it. No more little treats. I have 5 boxes of chocolates here. I gotta get rid of them. I dont want them. Im thinking friends are getting late Xmas presents... lol.....
Santa is coming for me tomorrow. I spent Xmas alone unfortunately.
I had a date today. First offical date. IT SUCKED. Lol. My friend bailed me out. I am fine with the suck factor. I learnt heaps. I CAN go out on a date. And I can put myself out there. That I have nothing to lose :0)
I also learnt this week that I can drink. I am now best friends with Riccadonna. We love each other. Since last weekend I didnt drink because I didnt think I could. Everytime I drank Id get a sore throat after a few sips. Now it doesnt take me much at all to get tipsy. I am right now and Ive had one and a half. Heheehe. But its good to know I can drink...
All for now...

Happy Holidays

Hi Guys,



Sorry no blogging- figured everyone's too busy to read anyways. Lol.

Just want to wish everyone a very merry "whatever you celebrate" day..... I hope that for those who have changed either their bodies or their mindsets this year smile extra hard during this time.... we deserve all the happiness in the world. To those who are yet to have anything physically change- remember this time- because soon it will be no more! And you'll look back on photos of Christmas this time next year with pride...

Fill out is amazing. Ive put on weight (or kilo or so) but I couldnt care less. This is what I needed right now. I want to tell you all about the reasons why I have been so stressed during the last few weeks. But I dont have the time. And I really dont want to write it out, to relive that Saturday night when I was attacked.
Fill is getting put back in on Jan 5th. I am looking forward to not eating burgers (yeah.... they are friggen easy to eat and I can slowly see my pre banding eating habits trickle back in) and getting back into the swing of things...
Funny fact: I recieved around 8 boxes of chocolates from my beautiful kids at preschool this week. As I was getting box after box I became overwhelmed with them. This time last year I would have been in my element. Now, I am looking at them thinking "meh..... whatever" ..... kinda cool!
Myf- have a lovely birthday tomorrow!!

GOOOOOOOOD

I went to the surgeon today and got .5mls taken out. It has made SUCH a huge difference!
I went out to dinner tonight with friends and was able to eat without any issues whatsoever. First time in a week. I am so happy! Surgeon said that I can get fill put back in on Jan 5th if I felt I needed to. Now, its time for me to be sensible. I cannot get too crazy with the food. I dont want to put on.
According to the Dr- im 3 months ahead of schedule. I am at my goal for the 12 month mark and have lost 52% of my excess weight. I can honestly say that I am happy. I am happy with my progress and this process. I am glad I am losing at the rate that I am. I took photos last night. I am still in awe. How cool is it to look at a photo of yourself and dig it. Simply look at it and say "Bridget- you are one hot biatch!" Lol.....
Off for now....
So much to say but I need sleep.... promise to tell you more soon....
Check out december pics guys!

Stressed

Getting fill out tomorrow. I am not pbing- im throwing up after I eat. Like HEAVING!! And I also have a sharp stitch like pain in my stomach.
Stress is a mother fucker let me tell you that much.
Will let you know how I go tomorrow and try and put a decent post together....

Time Off

I'm taking the week off blogging. I haven't been to bed yet. I've had the police and ambulance officers here. Someone who shall remain nameless decided to smash a glass window into my face. I am ok, I have cuts on my face and arms. I am in huge shock.
I need time to register all this and reflect.
I should have been badly injured but for some reason I wasn't. I had glass all through my top yet I'm ok.
There was so much blood.... it was so scary. I'm still scared....

I dunno....

Howdy,

Feeling a little better tonight. I did just throw up. But I am really confused. I don't think its a throw up or a pb. Its mainly mucus. I do have a cold and I'm thinking that the mucus is sitting there and not letting stuff go down or something. I don't know. Whatever. If this continues all weekend I'm getting some out on Monday.
Its all weird.
Thanks Tammy but I'm not pregnant. Lol. I actually thought that was hilarious. Lets just say thats pretty bloody impossible and would had to have been a few years delayed reaction. Lol.
That reminds me of the boy. The boy who I am trying not to be interested in but thats not happening. The boy who I haven't met but really want to. The boy who I have a really good feeling about. The boy who lives over 6 hours away. It sucks. On the plus side, he seems to be planining on buying me a present. Why else would he ask if I like necklaces in gold or white gold. Hehehee....
Have a great weekend buddies.

Biggest Fear

Since having the band my biggest fear has been getting a stomach bug. Seems it has come true. Not only do I have a cold and my friend visiting, I have a fucken stomach bug. It was really weird for me to establish that I had one. I noticed after eating I was throwing up. Now the difference was that I wasnt having any issues eating the food- it didnt seem stuck. I had a sudden wage of nausea then would run to the bathroom because I knew I wanted to be sick. It is super hard to explain folks so hope you can bare with me. So I'm staying away from food at the moment. I don't feel hungry at all, actually feeling replused by everything. I'm not throwing up heaps, I will monitor it- if I feel its a little too much Im hitting the hospital to get something to stop it.
Nothing much else to report. Scales are not being touched. Now that would be silly. Started Xmas shopping. I hate it. So many people pushed into small shops freaks me out man!
There is a boy. (Guess there was more to report than I thought) We;ve been talking for aaaages. He disappeared for a few months and relocated further away from me. We've never met but we've had this thing for each other that seems to be growing. Its gotten to a point where the boy is saying things like " id come see you every weekend". This is weird for me. The boy was always the kind you dont bring home to mother or father. He was a bad boy who was single but never alone. Hes utterly charming and cute. Do I meet him? I want to, my stupid little "old bridget" voice is saying "he wont like you bridget, you are replusive" and thats fucking this all up....
Babysitting ALL DAY tomorrow. Argh. I am not looking forward to that, especially when Im sick. Kids are going to have to entertain themselves me thinks!

-skinny "facing her throw up fear" biddy :0S

Oh bugger

Dad bought new scales today. I knew we needed them since the old ones would tell me 5 different readings and I had to basically use the reading that came up the most. Lol. Apparently these are really good- well they are really good. They read the same as the fancy doctors one. Hence I am 2 kilos heavier on them! So with a full days meals, fluid from upcoming friend I'm 95. Ouch. Don't think I'll make my Christmas goal. We'll see...
-bridget




One hour later:
I can't eat a thing.... I'm getting sick and I'm hormonal. Cruskits won't even go down. Tomorrow I'm on liquids, opti and soup

Yay!!

I offically got the job today! Soooo stoked!
This means I now have more stability. I will always have money coming in. I will now be able to do my diploma through my centre. It means 3 more years of studying. It means I finally got what I've wanted since I was little but was too afraid to go after it.
This is pretty exciting

Two posts, one day?????

Ok, SNAP OUT OF IT BRIDGET!
It's time to own up....
I've had a SHOCKING few days of food. Starting with Friday... heres the scoop

Fri- yum cha, chocolate and chinese (I had chicken and cashew... nothing battered)
Sat- chocolate and fettucine bosciola
Sun- here we go.... since I'd been eating crap I thought I may as well top the weekend off with a nice dinner of mcdonalds. AH NO. Not once, but twice, did I pb it. I kept going- went back to it later. Well, that certainly did snap me outta it.

I feel like shit. My skin feels like its oozing out grease and my hair looks like shit (and I just washed it) BACK TO BUSINESS....
Hard thing is that tomorrow we have our preschool xmas concert/party in which there is mountains of shittyness food. But, I will survive. I gotta get back onto the horse and ride it all over my Xmas goal. I lost focus. But I'm back on top of it.
Back to daily food diaries...
Will leave scales until next week. I'm due this week (hence shitty food) and I don't want to completely screw my head up entirely.

-skinny "I'm awake!!" biddy :0)

Floating

Lost that motivation, desire etc. I kinda think thats a good thing. You can definately get obsessed with trying to lose weight, the scales and every morsel that hits your lips.
Not feeling 100% tonight. Had a yummy fettucine bosciola from the lovely italian restuarant down the road. However my stomach hasnt liked it and Im feeling really sick. I havent eaten such great foods in the last two days because I've been out. So Im feeling really yuck. Thats a good indicator for me however. Because I've been eating quite well and the last few days of shittyness have caused a reaction. It's good because now I will be able to keep myself in better check. I won't eat shit as much because I dont want to feel shit.
Shit I said shit a lot. Lol
Scales are 92/93. I'm due this week so I am expecting that to go up further. I better not have ANY fluid on Monday- I have the preschool Xmas concert and I'm wearing a tightish top and I dont wanna have a fluid baby on board. Especially when there will be photos.
I am a little disheartened with the weight. Want to be under 90 so much. Im so busy Im not getting to the gym and working hard on food (count out last few days). Still have time. It might happen. I'd adore it.
I was looking at the BMI. When I get to 81 I'll be "prone to health risks" lol. 10 kilos to go until I'm prone to health risks. Man the BMI is a harsh mother fucker. IGNORE!
All for now. I'm tired and desperate to get back to reading the Twilight series. Me, addicted? Never!!! lol.


-bridget

Gimme A Few

Hey guys, feeling a little flat, not much to say banding wise. I will post in a few days. I know silly season has hit and everyone is busy, I definately am. Back down in the 92's. Eating chocolate tonight. Don't care. Lol. Tastes brilliant.

No No No

I will not weigh myself for 2 weeks until this hormone crazed fluid phase is behind me

I will not weigh myself for 2 weeks until this hormone crazed fluid phase is behind me

I will not weigh myself for 2 weeks until this hormone crazed fluid phase is behind me

Knew It

I knew that this bliss wouldn't last long. I'm a little hormonal resulting in scales jumping from 91.5 to 93 overnight. Not paying attention to it. I know its not real weight. My boobs are sore, my face is fat and I feel like an elephant. Scales would equal certain death right now.
My sister is on a plane as we speak. She's coming home again (she was home for 6 days last time).Shes planning on staying until after Xmas. Shes decided pregnancy isn't for her (if u know what i mean), so shes having that sorted out this week. I dont really want to talk about it on here much more because I don't want it to trickle down to someone and cause issues. But yeah....
No news on job front yet. I just want boss to call girl and confirm so I can feel 110% sure ab0ut it all happening.

Over the weight right now. Meh.
Off to an inservice. YUCK. PLEASE KILL ME ALREADY!!! I've already got a headache and that will surely make it worse!

-bridget