Bits and Pieces

I think this is an important blog post for all us bandsters, and in fact anyone that is losing weight...
http://cheeseandsunkist.blogspot.com/2009/09/big-fat-comparison.html


Well I can eat! I woke up this morning and within an hour I was hungry. There was a strange noise that came outta my stomach...I didnt recall hearing it recently. After several moments I realised....my stomach was actually rumbling! So I thought I'd take a risk and have a piece of toast. Vegemite on toast. Mmmmm heaven. I actually ate it. And it filled me up completely. Which I loved! Lunch I had a piece of bread made into a sandwich which once again was easy to eat and filled me up. Afternoon snack of nuts. And dinner, my Dad (who is an amazing cook), wanted to do Indian Night so he cooked me a feast of Lamb Korma which was heaven!!
I am really really sore from the un-fill yesterday. I had trouble getting comfy last night and if I move around too much it really hurts. Its kinda as sore as when I first got banded.
Didn't work out today due to the sore abs. I'm hoping I feel better tomorrow arvo so I can get back into it. I havent worked out in two days and I'm feeling withdrawals lol.
So I have two weeks without being heavily restricted. Going to enjoy the challenge. I know I won't go silly with food choices, I respect my new body way too much. Plus I want to try and stay below that 89 I hit at the Drs surgery yesterday arvo. First time I've been below 90 there (scales are 2 kilos heavier there). I will not falter!

Back to Band

I got .5mls out today. What a freaking relief it was this afternoon I can tell you! To come home afterwards and be able to actually eat my dinner!
*Doing the happy dance! Doing the happy dance!*
Meanwhile the unfill itself was torture! It took the surgeon 3 needles, 15 minutes and a sore Skinny Biddy later for me to walk out knowing I could eat a meal. There should be no need for me to tell you I'm sore. I expect bruising. In fact I was told to expect it. And my poor surgeon kept apologising- " I havent had such a bad time of a fill in awhile" ..... serves me right, I had just told him I'd gotten over my fear of needles after having the band. Lol.
So my plan of attack I know you are wondering.... eating veggies and salad. God I want them! I want to get as many yummy nutritious foods into me. I've missed them. So I'm looking forward to that!!
Exercise- I've been doing 30 mins daily. I didnt tonight, after I ate I was majorly dizzy- my blood sugar levels are all over the place and might take a few days to get under control.
I'm a happy chappy! Back on track!

Thank God..

Fill out tomorrow afternoon.... thank god.... I managed to get an earlier appointment...... food- here I come!!!
Cannot wait for a plate of veggies.... or salad with ham mmmmmmmm........
I doubt myself way too much. I am too hard on myself. I have excellent self control. This wont be a test. This will be easy. I cant wait for good foods!!!

Frustrated

I can't get in to see my Dr to get fill out until fucking Thursday. Argh....so it's putting up with reflux, nausea and heartburn until then.
Joy....

Relief

Leo
Suppose your house is cold. You can turn up the heating or put more clothes on. Similarly, making yourself more comfortable psychologically doesn't require a major adjustment. Simply wrap yourself in a few more layers of mental protection. Why expend energy, incur cost and create upheaval when you need to adjust how you interface with the world?


I am calling up tomorrow morning to get fill out. My band was doing quite well. It had loosened a little and I was able to eat. But, its tightened up again. And I'm not playing its games. Tomorrow I'll get some out so I can relax and not worry about what little miss diva Barbie is doing. Its pretty embarrasing when you're trying to have a conversation on the phone or via skype and you have to excuse yourself, I cant remember how many times, to go and pb. Over over over over over it.

Bring on tomorrow.....I honestly cannot wait....

Work it baby, yeah!

Had a lovely day today. Got my nails and hair done and caught up with a good friend.
Made sure I walked tonight. I get edgy at night now if I don't. I love that. Makes me feel good physically and mentally. It's nice when things click!
Just want to say thankyou to all those supporters out there. The people who comment and support my journey, and those who just simply read. You make a difference to my day and my outlook on this way of life...

Smiles!

Hey guys,

Starting afresh.... lets move on from the nonsense.... the disclaimer though is, unless you are there supporting me, helping me, I would prefer you not to comment. I am moderating my comments from now on. Now back to the reason I blog. My life, my journey, my band...

Jumped on the scales this morning and I've gone back up to 88. I understand that there are so many reasons why this could be. So instead of getting down on myself and falling back into those old eating habits that we do....I'm using it to my advantage. I feel much better today- band back to normal and my cold is gone. So its walking time again. Just 30 mins a day to start off with then I shall build from there.

I also decided that I'm not in a rush to lose the rest of the weight. Ultimately, by my two year bandiversary in 6 months I'd like to be close to goal. There is reasons behind my change of mind and heart... I've seen a few friends lately lose their weight really quickly and its not only messed with their bodies but their minds.... I've learnt who I am during this journey. And I don't want to hurry the last of the process... the other reason is.... I'm not unhappy with my body anymore. In fact, I'm starting to love it. I've spent all my life hating it, and its a slow process getting to like the skin you are in. So I want to spend this time celebrating my achievements and not saying to myself "I'll be happy when I'm ____ kilos." I was at work today and I thought to myself... " Would it be THAT bad if I was 86 kilos for the rest of my life?" And the answer was an honest, from the heart...NO.... it wouldnt be. Because me at 86 kilos is LIVING. For the first time...I'm living. And loving. And learning.

Onwards and upwards.... that Clarity I'm searching for is at arms length :0)

Success!

I have been able to eat today. Thank goodness! Since the major part of my cold is over it seems to have settled down a lot. So I'm happy about that...
I'm not loving these anonymous comments people.... I love that people have their own opinons and voice them, but I'd love for us to have an actual conversation, and someone own their comments and tell me who they are. I wanna know you. I want to know "non banded babe" ....Have you had a weight problem? What made you decide to read my blog? And have you read it all? Because if you had, you'd have seen that I have in fact dealt with my "fat issuses" and have great self control. I dont really think would have lost almost 40 kilos without self control...
I'm off to go have a nice relaxing bubble bath...
Tomorrow we start again with the exercise...had to have a few days off with this horrid cold...

So Close

I'm so close to giving up. I really am. I'm at a point where I don't care about losing weight. I care about being able to eat a proper meal without being sick.

I am over having to worry that the cold and flu tablets im taking (for the cold I've gotten because I'm not eating properly) will get stuck and I will be in agony.

I know what I have to do. But I'm scared to do it. To get fill out....

Dear Band,

I don't mind you having your bad days, hey- we all do. However when its three days on, and I cant eat anything without seeing the toilet bowl, we have an issue.
I understand my body isnt exactly working too well right now. I understand you are confused. Heck, I am too. Just work with me on this one. Im trying to do the right thing by you... I'm trying to get you to goal. Just help me out a little....


Cannot wait to go to the gp...... somethings up with my body....

Light and freeing

My band is being a bitch. Barbie and I aren't talking.... (for those not in the know, Barbie is what I've named my band!)
I've thrown up twice today and had one stuck. Beginning of the week I lost restriction. Now I feel over restricted. What is going on!!
Cannot wait to see my gp in two weeks (I was lucky to get that appointment....they wanted me to wait until November!) to sort out whats happening. I hope it resolves itself before that however...
Tonight I wrote myself a life list. It was so utterly liberating... I'll share a few things I've got on there:
* become friends with someone else named Bridget Parker
* be able to say, in success and failure "I tried"
* ride a rollercoaster
* skinny dipping
* write a book
* host a massive cocktail party
*tattoo at goal weight (69)
* sleep under the stars
*travel
*turn my phone off for a week

The list is long... but my life will be long too!! I'm going to try and get at least one thing done a month, so hopefully then soon I can re-write it. I think its important for our selves, our souls to have goals. I want to look beyond my weight goal. Because my life will not be complete when I get to 69. It'll just be something I can cross off my list.

I went for a 3 km walk today outside. Usually I dont do outside walks without Dad. Kinda a self conscious thing I used to have. Used to. I loved the walk. It was a beautiful day and there was nothing stopping me from doing it. And its something I will continue to do!

I'm slowly closing in on my clarity...

New Record

Decided one little comment wont take me away from my love of blogging....

I am so stressed people! The ex emailed me today. Blah... IGNORE.... work is Blah... (oh I should know in the next week about my qualifications.... looks like Ill be going straight to a diploma!!!) and my hormones are fucked. Cannot wait to see the dr....somethings up. Im craving carbs like old school non banded days, Im teary/moody/happy/flat, fluidy and pbing....
I pbed 6 times today.... thats a new record..... not a good one
Liquids tomorrow....and until the hormones are sorted. I was planning a return to the gym and opti tomorrow anyway so we'll see how that goes...
Big breaths, de-stress.... nothing is ever as bad as it seems Bridget...

Reflection....

I needed a break from the challenge. The last two days I havent been so awesome with it. Just eaten "normally". I didn't do the shakes.
I was doing oh so brilliantly last week. So motivated, driven and positive. This week I'm stressed, hormonal (going to the doctors actually cause something's up) and very much over it. This will sound harsh but I am really kinda sick of the constant barage of people texting me and telling me what they eat on a daily basis, what they weigh morning and night, there "when I get to goal...." etc.... I know its motivating for them. But I need a break. Its bringing me down. Hearing about someones work out sessions or loss is brilliant. But when I have people relying on me so very heavily its just too much right now.
I'm being a selfish motherfucker and saying- I'm doing this too!!! I'm trying to get to goal also. I need to focus on me!!
Hormones suck. I thought being on the pill it would fix that issue. Apparently not. I lost restriction the last two days and craved carbs horribly just like the good old days. Its been awful. I've scheduled to see my gp because the pill isnt working. I'm moody (I bawled my eyes out all night Sunday, to a point where my eyes had bowling balls attached underneath them Monday morning) and have my monthly motherfuckers once again! Stupid pill baaah!! Oh and I've also apparently gained a kilo overnight....FLUID YOU ROT IN HELL!
Its a blow.... from such a great week, to a low one. Tomorrow morning I'll pick myself up again. I'll get back onto the shakes, back into the swing of things, and focus on ME. And ignore the msgs I am constantly getting. I just have to do it for now. Until I finish my journey, I can't by anyone else's life raft...

What Needs To Be Done....

Saturday marks my year and a half banded. And in that time I've gone from a size 24 to a size 14.
Why is it that I am not more proud of myself? Why is it I am still pushing for more? Why is it that I cannot be happy with my weight in the here and now- and want that ever ellusive goal? Is it passion that drives me? Or is it fear? Fear that I'll have to learn to be happy at this weight, because I'll never get to the end result?
Should I be concerned about this? Or should I take this passion and use it to my advantage?
Does the question "if you cant be happy now, will you ever be happy?" need to be addressed?
I want to finish this. I want an end point. I want to see what 69 kilo Bridget is like.
I guess I'll just keep going and see where I end up....this new Bridget, Bridget in the 80s is old. I want Bridget in the 70s...
I'm off to go workout.... this challenge is brilliant. But not challenging enough. I need to add some spice- if I want to actually get to goal and not just talk about the fucker I better get my body moving...

Buzzed

*New photos up of me last night*- Check out the gallery....

I had a great day yesterday. Went and did some shopping and then had a great night out with the girls at Manpower (hehe). I love the fact I can go out now and not have that overwhelming anxiety of "I look like a whale, I shouldnt be let out in public" sensation. Its an excitement that makes me want to get out there and dance, and have fun, and meet new people.
I find weekends are the hardest for me in regards to food. I go out a bit with friends and just seem to have less control than I do during the week when I'm rushed off my feet with work. By Sunday arvos I get a little excited that my week is starting again and that control is back. Yeah, I'm a control freak. Maybe thats why I think I am successful with my band. I control it. I control my level of restriction and how much I eat, when I want to eat and what I want to eat. Control is mine MWHAHAHA!!! Lol.
I have my meeting on Tuesday for work. I'm actually really excited about it. To finally have a qualification to back up 5 years in the industry. I tend to start things and not finish them due to fear of actually succeeding. Yeah. Odd. But new Bridget wants to actually get to her goals.
The goals for this week are:
- more water intake
- more fruit intake
-3, 30 min walks
- 2 shakes a day and dinner

Dear Bank Account

Dear Bank Account,

Do you remember the days you were kind to me? Do you remember the days when I always used to have money spare? Well that seems to be a thing of the past....and I'd like it back....
Unfortunately I don't think, with the new life I have, we will be getting along as well anymore. I'm sorry for this. But I've found that there is this little black device I place a four digit code into and it gets me pretty new dresses and tops that once were a dream.
Hopefully one day in the future this new obsession with clothes will die down, and we will reunite in the goal of keeping money in my account for longer than a few days.... but for now you will have to let me live this. Because its 22 years in the making....

I fit into a size 12 top today......

"Its All Happening"- Penny Lane

I feel like those few months were a dream. There are no more emotions connected to that person, that "man", that nightmare. I feel greatful that it happened. The lessons learned have strengthened me, as does every hurtful experience. It effects me on a daily basis, this new strength.
I also feel free. And confident. And bubbly. And positive. And capable of so much. Life is bliss....
Great news with work....I've basically got to sign some papers and I'll get my Cert 3 in Childrens Services due to having 5 years experience with little ones. Then I'll be given a traineeship (still earning the same wage) to do my diploma. I won't have to pay for the course, and when it is finished I will get a payrise!
The GOC (Great Opti Challenge) is doing fantasically! I've lost 1.8 kilos this week! I have more energy than I have in agggges and just feel overall brilliant! I'm sticking to this, not only for weight loss but because of energy levels.
Watch this space....Bridgets rocking out!

Day 4 of the GOC!

GOC stands for Great Opti Challenge people..... just to clarify!
How do we like the new blog layout?

The challenge is going really well. Since I've started I've had a lot more energy and feel really good in myself. I'm eating dinner each night, having my opti during the day and a handful of nuts of fruit if I'm hungry in between. However with having a band fill on Monday I'm not really hungry at all.
I think the challenge will really be the weekends...if I'm not doing anything I tend to pick all day. Lucky this weekend I am quite busy so I wont be sitting at home watching t.v!
I bought a new dress tonight that I adore. It's one of those dresses I've always wanted but never thought I'd be able to pull off. I'm going out Saturday night with it on and I'll be sure to take photos for you!!

Quick Note

Just letting you know tomorrow I'm going to spare an hour to change my blogger layout.... it takes awhile to do as I have to delete all my widgets and re add them....so bare with me and I promise it wont be an animated one....Ive picked a pretty beaut one!
Challenge going well....will blog about it tomorrow!