New Blog

Dont forget to pop over to my new blog and see all the latest on my journey!


http://www.expressclarity.blogspot.com.au

Surprise!!

Hello all....

Yes a long time away!!!

I have a new blog to document the new step of my journey.... if you'd like it please email me on:

parker_bridget@hotmail.com


Thanks all!

Time Flies...

When you're having fun....

And I am! I've started completing things on my Bucket List, I'm dating (geez its heapsa fun!), enjoying my 5 weeks off work I get given each year as a "let's try and keep you sane a little" break and spending lots of time with my gorgeous friends who I appreciate very much.

I'm back to work soon and need to get back on track eating wise.... at the end of last year I was super stressed (um yeah a false tumor will do that too you) and under a huge amount of pressure with work. I barely ate. I didn't lose weight because my metabolism was fucked. So my new way of thinking is I'll pack a lot of snacks for the day at work seeing that I don't get a lunch break so I can just nibble throughout.

So bandsters..... comment time!! Can you please give me some healthy snack suggestions? I do love the nuts, celery, carrots and salsa type thang but it'll only last for so long!

Update

Hey guys,

So I found out a week or so ago that the tumor is benign. They are leaving the little fella in there and will monitor it and see if it grows. They decided to leave it in there because its right in the middle of my liver.

So a big relief! Now I can focus on more important things! Like living!!

Australian Passport is organised, and my British one will be done this week also. I've been offered 11 jobs so far over in the UK. None of them stand out to me though, so I plan to wait and see what else is on offer.

Banding wise- its tiiiiight!!! Proooobably a little too tight. At first I thought it was due to stress, now I'm not sure. I've definately lost a lot of weight recently. I plan to have fill taken out for I leave for the UK so my thinking is I'll put up with the tightness just for now.

I've started using body wraps from a company called "It Works!" I was unsure if theyd actually work however on my first go I lost 7.5 cms around my waist. I figured if it helps out and I can avoid a tummy tuck then thats brilliant!

Man front- no boys allowed. I've read an amazing book which I highly recommend- "Textbook Romance" by Zoe Foster. It really spelt things out for me. It's probably best for me to stay away from men for now anywho seeing as I'm moving!

Work is wrapping up for the year so I'm busy organising the end of year concert etc. I can't wait for my 5 weeks off. Unsure what I'll do with myself though! Lots of me time! Anyone have any suggestions?

I enrolled in French classes, I'm trying to fill the blank spaces in my life and make sure my life is as enriched as possible. I learnt after my little tumor scare how important I AM and that I need to do things for moi! I also started focusing on my spirituality again and its really helping.

Hope all is well. I do apologise. I forget I have a blog most of the time. But whenever I come on I love to see the support :)

Waiting Waiting Waiting

I'm currently waiting to see my specialist on Oct 5th to see whats happening with this tumor thingy.

It hasnt been a hard wait like I thought it would be. I tried to put it at the back of my mind to be honest. Yes- the idea has always been there, but I decided I needed to stop it consuming my entire world.

So I will let you know what happens when I myself know.

I got a fill on Thursday. I don't know what I weigh- I havent known for almost a year. For me, its based now purely on size. I don't think Id ever be what I wanted in kilos and I always got obsessed with the scales. So I'm aiming for a size 12.

I had .2mls put in. Its made a huge difference. I was never able to go over what I previously had in my band because of severe heartburn and reflux. However now being on Pariet I havent had a problem. So having the extra .2mls in has curved my portion sizes and really helped stop the cravings. I'm really happy about that.
Nothing much else to report in that sense....

I've decided to go to England in May next year- will work for a few months of 2011 then go. Helps with savings. Anyone have any good travel tips or airline recommendations I'd love it hear them.

Had a lovely holiday in Melbs a few weeks ago. Hung out with my best friend. Caught some sights. Fun fun fun.

Trying to get things crossed off my life list. Does anyone else have one- whats on it?

Question: Do any of my readers ever feel they outgrow friendships very fast? Is there something wrong with me? I believe that people come into your life for purpose, and I try hard to maintain a good friendship that is two sided. However I've noticed lately that once again I'm about to lose some friends because that connection isn't there anymore. And as much as I'm trying to save it... it feels like a sinking ship that I can't stop? I've always been told throughout my life I was very mature for my age- and I do find that I have a lot of older friends. I know everyone has faults, I do like everyone else. I dunno... I'm just sad because I feel like I'm losing/lost one of my best friends because I was honest with her. Am I'm grasping at straws.

Random blog. Needed a vent. Plus when you're drunk like I am right now the truth tends to pour out. High five for me for typing fairly okish. Grammar sucks. Oops. Hopefully I made a little sense. I bet I look back in a few days and roll my eyes. Lol.

Hope everyone is well. Would love to hear from you guys xoxox

Blaaaah

I really need to post......

So much for it being my gallbladder.....

They found a tumor on my liver.

I am so confused and messed up. But me being me, is pretending to be wonderful and great and supporting everyone else through this.

I am scared.

The CT I had the other day was meant to tell me what sorta tumor I had. But they looked in the wrong area and said my liver was fine. Which is inaccurate.

I don't know what to think. What to feel. What to do.

I feel really vunerable.

I'll let you know what happens....

Health Update

One thing that I forgot to mention yesterday is that I am having what seems to be issues with my gallbladder. Every few weeks I get crippling pain, bloated, nausea, lack of appetite and am a mess. My Doctor thinks its gallstones which ties in with the reflux and heartburn that I oh so often have.

So this morning I went for an ultrasound to see whats happening in that little abdomen of mine.

I am hoping that it is explainable, and gallstones because then I could have the little motherfucker out. I need it sorted before I go overseas! Which reminds me.... have to sort out my passport today!

I am aiming to get back into blogging over the next week so that I can keep up with my food diaries. I would like to start eating more holistically. I have been eating a lot of Asian food which I adore.

If anyone has any tips, recommendations etc- please feel free to comment me.

Hope all is well! I am trying to catch up on everyones blogs!

Slack Me

I'm alive....Actually I'm more alive than I've ever been. And thats why I havent posted. I work hard during the week and live it up on the weekend with my gorgeous friends. I've had millions of laughs, millions of drinks, millions of fun nights out , millions of epicly bad dates... such a hoot!

I am single and love it. I'm very content this way and am focusing on myself!

I'm a size 14/16. I havent weighed myself in almost a year and have no intentions on it.... I much prefer knowing what size I am than being obsessed with the scales.

I have made a huge choice to move to England next year. I plan to tell my boss in Nov and leave in Feb. So I need to keep up the saving! I also need to sort out passports and find myself a job- I plan to work as an au pair.

I'm back in touch with my spirituality.

I'm light and bubbly. I am the old new me. I am changed after the last two years. But I am so brilliantly happy.

Wowsa!

I finished all the work I needed to today for my diploma. 2 year course finished in 5 months. Wowsa. Talk about determination and motivation!
The question I have for myself now is this... If I can work that hard at my career, why can't I work that hard with my weight? I've still got a little weight I'd like to lose, yet I talk about walking and I don't. I kept saying to myself that I'd start exercising once this course was done. Well that time has come. Now I have to see if I can convert that hard work from studying to my self and my body. And more so to my mental state of mind. Because I KNOW, I KNOW, that I feel so much more confident, positive and overall happier.
Now I can honestly tell you I love my anti depressants. There hasn't been an issue with my weight with them which is great. And I feel calmer and back to my old new self.
How was your long weekend? I spent mine in bed with a cold! I planned to get out there and walk but seeing as the next two weeks I am very very busy I figured I should rest instead and get better before I hit the pavement.
This weeks goal is: 2-3 walks of 3 kms each and cutting complex carbs

LETS GO!

2010

Well 2010 has been a right bitch to me.
I've dealt with some pretty shitty boy drama (broken up with on Valentines Day via text), some family drama (sister has returned home to live) and work drama.
Banding wise hasnt been the greatest either, just to put the icing on the bitter cake. I've been suffering from horrid heartburn, no matter what level of restriction I had. My band was too tight so I got some fill out and ended up putting on 5ish kilos. Not too sure of the weight seeing as I havent weighed myself since I think November. I prefer it like this.
Ended up having a barium a few weeks ago, and found out my pouch is slightly larger than it should be. Funnily enough after the barium my band hasnt been acting up as much, my portion sizes are smaller and I've noticed I've lost weight. (Again, I don't know the number cause I'm done with the scales however I feel different and clothes fit me differently). So I'm happy with banding life right now.
As we stand 2010 has been a hellish challenge. I've lost a few good friends for various reasons also.
However I have gained a lot from this time.... I've almost finished my diploma- yeap a 2 year course I've completed in 5 months, I've gone on anti-depressants which have helped me cope (thank god my dr put me on them.... I wouldnt have survived the return of the sister without them), I've made some new friends, I've found my positive Skinny Biddy again, I've learnt hard life lessons about friends and men that will stay with me all my life, I've found that inner strength I thought I had lost.
I can smile again......
So heres to the second half of 2010..... may I reap the rewards of what faced me in the first part.
I promise to write more often..... I hope all is well with everyone. You have been in my thoughts, but I couldn't face writing all of this until now. xoxo

Happy Holidays!!

I hope everyone is enjoying the festive season...I've been flat out for the past two weeks! Today is my first day alone, without anything to do (mind you I'm going out tonight), so I'm going to try to relax. I have five weeks off work (still getting up at 7.30- stupid body clock! Lemme sleep! Knowing me I'll have perfected a good sleep in the last week of the holidays! Haha!!)
Christmas for me was lovely. I did pb in the morning however. I had a big drive to Sydney to do and wasnt going to be eating until 3 pm so I thought I'd attempt breakfast. No luck. My first Xmas pb. How special. Haha. But apart from that, my Xmas was perfect. I got a very special "daughter" bracelet off my mum and dad, and a heart necklace off the boy im seeing (no commenting on personal life after last time, sorry guys) and I also got an "I love you"..... best Christmas I've had!!
NYE I plan, for the first time ever, to go out.... I am VERY excited about this.... we are going to the city to watch the fireworks along the harbour. It'll be really special. I never used to go out on NYE.... hated crowds, felt self concious etc.... not anymore!!! As for NY resolutions...I'm not making any... the theme for 2010 for me is "possibilities"...... I plan to make dreams become possibilites.... there will be no "in 2010 I want to lose 15 kilos" garbage...Im a size 14-16, ideally I want to lose more weight, however I'll take it at my own pace. I'm happy and content... no more self loathing.... that weight has been lifted....
As you can tell I am feeling very positive, and very loved up. And if I'm not posting, its not because I'm sad or low, its simply because real life gets you and you get swept away in it and forget to touch base!
I had a fill last Monday.... yes, a few days before xmas. My Dr was concerned my band had slipped seeing I was still hungry etc. He wanted me to give him a call if the new fill caused me any reflux. Hasnt done so and I'm glad.
Thats all for now...hope all is well in band land...

The Week That Was

I've had an excellent week in my banding life. To my surprise I cannot remember the last time I've eaten chocolate. Which is a big thing for me. Yay for Biddy! I'm craving fruits and salads and have gone to the shops several times this week to pick up fruit salads. I'm really thinking about my choices. And I'm really proud of myself.
Emotionally this week has been a little rough. Found myself teary a few nights this week. It seems everyone is getting married, having babies, moving from where I live, and following their dreams. And I feel incredibly trapped. I'm saving to travel. And I'm frustrated. I want to be following my dreams. I want outta the life I have right now. I feel like I'm waiting for my life... it's something that I will have to learn to accept, just for now.
Let's hope this week is a more positive week. That I can move forward, and learn to love being by myself. That new friends will come along soon, and that the life I'm working towards is as blissful as I'm imagining it!

I know, I know..

I've been a major slacker guys, I'm sorry. I needed a band break. Personal things going on (learnt my lesson, will not discuss) and the study and work load is heavy. This time of the year is insane at work. So much to do. Argh!
Banding wise... well..... I got really really dispondent in regards to banding life. I was very close to calling it all quits and not caring anymore. After 20 months I was jaded. I'd worked so hard and couldn't get to my goal. In fact, I put on weight and got back up at 91. I went and saw my Dr on Monday and he gave me a teeeeny fill of 0.1 mls. You know what? That was JUST what I needed. Its actually solved ALL my banding problems. I wasnt getting any restriction, now I have perfect restriction. No more heartburn AT ALL!!!! Portion sizes are perfect too. I am very very happy and back into the "motivated Bridget" who is determined to get under 70!!! I have ways to go yes, but I am really really positive about getting there.
So I'm back. I'm ready to get down to business. I will not quit this half way. I will finish this thing. I will.
Glad to be back....
love,

Recap....

So banding life is kinda non existant. I've had other things going on and my band is so weird right now I havent had much to report. I'm not weighing in on the scales. Clothes are still fitting. My recent fill hasnt done too much to change the fact I'm hungry and my portion sizes are still what I deem as too big. The catch is I'm suffering heartburn. And if I was to get more fill then I know I'll suffer badly from it. I think its time for a barium. Since I was rushed to hospital my band hasnt been the same. The stress I underwent a few months ago seems to have had an impact on my band..... might need to book an appointment to see the Dr to discuss whats happening.
Life is ok.... kinda up and down. I've just started studying my diploma which has been fairly easy and not too stressful so far. Been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching of late. Nothing I wasnt to discuss publicly however...
Hope all is well with everyone.
xoxox

Nope, nothing

Hey guys,
So took a little time away. Trying to decompress from the last few weeks events. Plus banding wise nothing has been going on. The fill I got has done nothing, so next Monday I am getting a teeny little more to see if that helps. So I'm eating fairly normally and not losing weight. It is very frustrating. Looks to me as if this last 10-15 kilos are going to take an awful lot to budge.... so I need you guys, my cyber buddies, to give me any support or information you can think of to help shift this god awful last bit of weight!!!
HELP!!!????!!!

Walking Tall Against the Rain

I got my fill yesterday afternoon. Easy fill- no pain, he remeasured it and point roughly .2-.3 mls additional into my band. Seems this one might take a few days to kick in, as I don't feel too much restriction yet, and woke up wanting to eat my bed. (Not literally friends, just using that to show you how hungry I was... don't panic, I havent lost too much of my mind as of yet).
Still keeping up with my 30 min walks everyday. Enjoying that greatly. I need to take it up a step, so will do that in the next few days.
Today is the day I've been dreading all week. My uncle Nickys funeral. They are having a viewing beforehand, something I am not comfortable with, and will not attend. I will have put my tough hat on today and not get upset. Yes, its a funeral, we have to feel our emotions... however I simply cannot whilst my dad is around. He hasnt cried yet. He started to when he told me Nick had passed, but I lost myself and bawled like a baby and he stopped to protect and look after me. He has been asking me all week if I am ok. ME! What about him! Poor thing. So today I have to let it be his day to deal, and feel, and say goodbye. I can do that privately when I get home.
Please remember to let the people in your lives know how important they are. Please do something special for yourself once and awhile. And please dont put off things you want to do in your life. You never know when this amazing gift called life will end, and the last thing you want is to regret it.....

Goal Scoring

I've smashed it with my food the past few days. Ive had yummy garden salads with avocado, egg and salmon included. I've watched my carbs (they are my vice) and no chocolate has passed these beautiful lips (losing weight has made me vain) since I vowed I would go a week without it. OF COURSE.... a fundraiser box of chocolates has landed at work..... I havent touched a single one. And I won't. I love the satisfaction of me following through on a goal far too much to ruin it.
I am taking tomorrow off work. The funeral is Thursday, but I need a day to recover. I'm close to burn out. I have relatives staying with me (a house full of snorers) and I'm running on no sleep, work is being a bitch and I'm trying to deal with my grief and maintain my exercise and healthy eating. So tomorrow I am getting a nice sleep in then I'll see where the day takes me. Most likely seeing relatives... but the day off from work is welcomed anyway.
Tomorrow afternoon I am going back to get the fill I was meant to have yesterday afternoon. I am planning on speaking up and telling my fill dr I am completely dissatisfied with the reception staff not contacting me about the cancellation.
Thats all for now. Im wiped and in need of a nana nap before the house load of people arrive back wanting dinner!

Worst.Afternoon.Ever....

Several things happened this afternoon to make me feel foul.
Howver one of the major ones is me driving half and hour out of my way to go get a fill- only to have the surgeons receptionist tell me she had forgotten to tell me the appointment had been cancelled. She figured because I had been a few times recently I wouldn't need it. And by the 1.5 kilo gain I've had over the last 2 and a half weeks- why would I!!??!!
So I have to do it all over again on Wednesday afternoon.....
Not. Happy.....

This Week's Goals...

Had a rough few days with my uncle passing away and finding out something that crushed me.
Each day its getting easier. And hurting less. Just reflecting and moving forward.
I've found that exercising is helping me. Its a great outlet for me. I'm finding that I can't miss a day without feeling a tinge of regret for not hitting the treadmill. I love that. So I am using that to my advantage this week, and making it a goal to work out 5 times this week for a minimum of 30 mins each session.
I'm getting a fill tomorrow. A very small one, like my surgeon recommended. I've admittedly eaten like shit since I've had fill out. Its chocolate. I'm addicted. Please help! Lol. My other goal this week is NOT to eat ANY chocolate whatsoever this week. You need to hold me to it cyber buddies... I shall report in to let you know how I go.
I've decided I'm definately going to Europe in two years. I'm going to spend the next two years saving as much as possible. Quit my job and go and see the world. I'd love to move to England for awhile. Thats where my family lives and I love the culture.... things that have happened to me in the last 6 months have made me reflect... I need to do things for me, no use in saying I'm going to do things. I have to actually do them....

Rest In Peace..

My uncle passed away yesterday.....
We are all still in shock. No one got to say their goodbyes...
Its so hard to see my father trying to be brave for everyone else.
I just want him to break, so we can be the ones looking after him....

I took today off work to take Dad to see his family. I have so much to do in the next few days. I have to put my hard hat on and just push through.

That number on the scales means nothing now. Who cares. When we die will that be all that matters? No. I'm moving on. Life is meant to be lived. Lived away from weight and size. And thats what I plan to do.

I am going to live

Rest In Peace dear uncle....