Thursday, January 1, 2009

Coming To Terms,

I probably sounded so positive in my last post. (If anyone out there is still reading- hello?) But in all honesty, a few hours after I wrote it I was a mess. And I have been a mess ever since.
So much shit is going on. I'm still dealing with the sister issue- I've been trying to pretend I am ok when I am not. My mum is not coping and im getting to be the emotional punching bag for her. I am shit bored at hom. I've gone from being busy busy busy with everything to a complete standstill. I am also hating my body. I hate that I have no restriction- that I can eat anything I want. I have no fucking control. I live on control. If I don't feel in control of things I hate it.
I feel like I am back where I was a year ago. I hate this. I feel like a big, fat ogre. I feel like Bridget, pre banding weight. Its totally mentally. I don't look any different whatsoever. I've only put a kilo or two on. I am really really really looking forward to Monday. Bring on the fill! Control will be mine.
The always amazing Jen gave me something brilliant to think about the other night. And I am really running with it. The theory is, that you have a lesson to learn if you are stuck on a certain weight. And that really did hit me. The lightbulb went on. I haven't been past 91-92 since I was 16. I don't know a life past that number. So yes, there might be a little hesitation for me to be under that.
Plan of attack- im surrendering for the next few days. As of Monday though- its drinking 2 Ltrs of water each day, going to the gym and eating proper meals.


The New Me said...

Keep faith love, this experience is something you need to work through to make you stronger and more resilent.

to b ME said...

hey Girl,
damn, u r in an emotional rollercoaster!!! Yesterdays post so happy, today, so glum...Whats going on?
U need to surrender control, COMPLETELY, u control freak hehe ;p and stop focusing on restriction,YOU can DO IT, no matter what ur restriction!!! U know this Bridgy!
Im sure u r just feeling down and in the dumps and things will pick up ASAP...I know u have had alot to deal with but this is a New Year, with new goals, achievements and new found glory...Keep ur head held high and STOP putting urself down!!! U r a beautiful person inside and out and ur transformation into a beautiful butterfly is well and truly underway and sooo sooo Visual!!!
Thinking of u and we will catch up soon xoxo

Melanie said...

I know it's hard but keep focusing on how much you've achieved. Draw on that spirituality course you did earlier - remember to send people white light, to bathe yourself in white light - to use it as a shield of spiritual love around yourself that can deflect negative energies away from you and send positive energy back to the source of the negativity. Try some meditation - drawing on the light, focusing on the positive - you're fabulous with your whole life just starting to unfold. 2009 will be challenging but awesome for you I'm sure. Happy new year and yes, we're reading. Mel