I probably sounded so positive in my last post. (If anyone out there is still reading- hello?) But in all honesty, a few hours after I wrote it I was a mess. And I have been a mess ever since.
So much shit is going on. I'm still dealing with the sister issue- I've been trying to pretend I am ok when I am not. My mum is not coping and im getting to be the emotional punching bag for her. I am shit bored at hom. I've gone from being busy busy busy with everything to a complete standstill. I am also hating my body. I hate that I have no restriction- that I can eat anything I want. I have no fucking control. I live on control. If I don't feel in control of things I hate it.
I feel like I am back where I was a year ago. I hate this. I feel like a big, fat ogre. I feel like Bridget, pre banding weight. Its totally mentally. I don't look any different whatsoever. I've only put a kilo or two on. I am really really really looking forward to Monday. Bring on the fill! Control will be mine.
The always amazing Jen gave me something brilliant to think about the other night. And I am really running with it. The theory is, that you have a lesson to learn if you are stuck on a certain weight. And that really did hit me. The lightbulb went on. I haven't been past 91-92 since I was 16. I don't know a life past that number. So yes, there might be a little hesitation for me to be under that.
Plan of attack- im surrendering for the next few days. As of Monday though- its drinking 2 Ltrs of water each day, going to the gym and eating proper meals.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Coming To Terms,
Posted by Unknown at 9:51 PM
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3 comments:
Keep faith love, this experience is something you need to work through to make you stronger and more resilent.
hey Girl,
damn, u r in an emotional rollercoaster!!! Yesterdays post so happy, today, so glum...Whats going on?
U need to surrender control, COMPLETELY, u control freak hehe ;p and stop focusing on restriction,YOU can DO IT, no matter what ur restriction!!! U know this Bridgy!
Im sure u r just feeling down and in the dumps and things will pick up ASAP...I know u have had alot to deal with but this is a New Year, with new goals, achievements and new found glory...Keep ur head held high and STOP putting urself down!!! U r a beautiful person inside and out and ur transformation into a beautiful butterfly is well and truly underway and sooo sooo Visual!!!
Thinking of u and we will catch up soon xoxo
I know it's hard but keep focusing on how much you've achieved. Draw on that spirituality course you did earlier - remember to send people white light, to bathe yourself in white light - to use it as a shield of spiritual love around yourself that can deflect negative energies away from you and send positive energy back to the source of the negativity. Try some meditation - drawing on the light, focusing on the positive - you're fabulous with your whole life just starting to unfold. 2009 will be challenging but awesome for you I'm sure. Happy new year and yes, we're reading. Mel
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