Happy Holidays!!

I hope everyone is enjoying the festive season...I've been flat out for the past two weeks! Today is my first day alone, without anything to do (mind you I'm going out tonight), so I'm going to try to relax. I have five weeks off work (still getting up at 7.30- stupid body clock! Lemme sleep! Knowing me I'll have perfected a good sleep in the last week of the holidays! Haha!!)
Christmas for me was lovely. I did pb in the morning however. I had a big drive to Sydney to do and wasnt going to be eating until 3 pm so I thought I'd attempt breakfast. No luck. My first Xmas pb. How special. Haha. But apart from that, my Xmas was perfect. I got a very special "daughter" bracelet off my mum and dad, and a heart necklace off the boy im seeing (no commenting on personal life after last time, sorry guys) and I also got an "I love you"..... best Christmas I've had!!
NYE I plan, for the first time ever, to go out.... I am VERY excited about this.... we are going to the city to watch the fireworks along the harbour. It'll be really special. I never used to go out on NYE.... hated crowds, felt self concious etc.... not anymore!!! As for NY resolutions...I'm not making any... the theme for 2010 for me is "possibilities"...... I plan to make dreams become possibilites.... there will be no "in 2010 I want to lose 15 kilos" garbage...Im a size 14-16, ideally I want to lose more weight, however I'll take it at my own pace. I'm happy and content... no more self loathing.... that weight has been lifted....
As you can tell I am feeling very positive, and very loved up. And if I'm not posting, its not because I'm sad or low, its simply because real life gets you and you get swept away in it and forget to touch base!
I had a fill last Monday.... yes, a few days before xmas. My Dr was concerned my band had slipped seeing I was still hungry etc. He wanted me to give him a call if the new fill caused me any reflux. Hasnt done so and I'm glad.
Thats all for now...hope all is well in band land...

The Week That Was

I've had an excellent week in my banding life. To my surprise I cannot remember the last time I've eaten chocolate. Which is a big thing for me. Yay for Biddy! I'm craving fruits and salads and have gone to the shops several times this week to pick up fruit salads. I'm really thinking about my choices. And I'm really proud of myself.
Emotionally this week has been a little rough. Found myself teary a few nights this week. It seems everyone is getting married, having babies, moving from where I live, and following their dreams. And I feel incredibly trapped. I'm saving to travel. And I'm frustrated. I want to be following my dreams. I want outta the life I have right now. I feel like I'm waiting for my life... it's something that I will have to learn to accept, just for now.
Let's hope this week is a more positive week. That I can move forward, and learn to love being by myself. That new friends will come along soon, and that the life I'm working towards is as blissful as I'm imagining it!

I know, I know..

I've been a major slacker guys, I'm sorry. I needed a band break. Personal things going on (learnt my lesson, will not discuss) and the study and work load is heavy. This time of the year is insane at work. So much to do. Argh!
Banding wise... well..... I got really really dispondent in regards to banding life. I was very close to calling it all quits and not caring anymore. After 20 months I was jaded. I'd worked so hard and couldn't get to my goal. In fact, I put on weight and got back up at 91. I went and saw my Dr on Monday and he gave me a teeeeny fill of 0.1 mls. You know what? That was JUST what I needed. Its actually solved ALL my banding problems. I wasnt getting any restriction, now I have perfect restriction. No more heartburn AT ALL!!!! Portion sizes are perfect too. I am very very happy and back into the "motivated Bridget" who is determined to get under 70!!! I have ways to go yes, but I am really really positive about getting there.
So I'm back. I'm ready to get down to business. I will not quit this half way. I will finish this thing. I will.
Glad to be back....
love,

Recap....

So banding life is kinda non existant. I've had other things going on and my band is so weird right now I havent had much to report. I'm not weighing in on the scales. Clothes are still fitting. My recent fill hasnt done too much to change the fact I'm hungry and my portion sizes are still what I deem as too big. The catch is I'm suffering heartburn. And if I was to get more fill then I know I'll suffer badly from it. I think its time for a barium. Since I was rushed to hospital my band hasnt been the same. The stress I underwent a few months ago seems to have had an impact on my band..... might need to book an appointment to see the Dr to discuss whats happening.
Life is ok.... kinda up and down. I've just started studying my diploma which has been fairly easy and not too stressful so far. Been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching of late. Nothing I wasnt to discuss publicly however...
Hope all is well with everyone.
xoxox

Nope, nothing

Hey guys,
So took a little time away. Trying to decompress from the last few weeks events. Plus banding wise nothing has been going on. The fill I got has done nothing, so next Monday I am getting a teeny little more to see if that helps. So I'm eating fairly normally and not losing weight. It is very frustrating. Looks to me as if this last 10-15 kilos are going to take an awful lot to budge.... so I need you guys, my cyber buddies, to give me any support or information you can think of to help shift this god awful last bit of weight!!!
HELP!!!????!!!

Walking Tall Against the Rain

I got my fill yesterday afternoon. Easy fill- no pain, he remeasured it and point roughly .2-.3 mls additional into my band. Seems this one might take a few days to kick in, as I don't feel too much restriction yet, and woke up wanting to eat my bed. (Not literally friends, just using that to show you how hungry I was... don't panic, I havent lost too much of my mind as of yet).
Still keeping up with my 30 min walks everyday. Enjoying that greatly. I need to take it up a step, so will do that in the next few days.
Today is the day I've been dreading all week. My uncle Nickys funeral. They are having a viewing beforehand, something I am not comfortable with, and will not attend. I will have put my tough hat on today and not get upset. Yes, its a funeral, we have to feel our emotions... however I simply cannot whilst my dad is around. He hasnt cried yet. He started to when he told me Nick had passed, but I lost myself and bawled like a baby and he stopped to protect and look after me. He has been asking me all week if I am ok. ME! What about him! Poor thing. So today I have to let it be his day to deal, and feel, and say goodbye. I can do that privately when I get home.
Please remember to let the people in your lives know how important they are. Please do something special for yourself once and awhile. And please dont put off things you want to do in your life. You never know when this amazing gift called life will end, and the last thing you want is to regret it.....

Goal Scoring

I've smashed it with my food the past few days. Ive had yummy garden salads with avocado, egg and salmon included. I've watched my carbs (they are my vice) and no chocolate has passed these beautiful lips (losing weight has made me vain) since I vowed I would go a week without it. OF COURSE.... a fundraiser box of chocolates has landed at work..... I havent touched a single one. And I won't. I love the satisfaction of me following through on a goal far too much to ruin it.
I am taking tomorrow off work. The funeral is Thursday, but I need a day to recover. I'm close to burn out. I have relatives staying with me (a house full of snorers) and I'm running on no sleep, work is being a bitch and I'm trying to deal with my grief and maintain my exercise and healthy eating. So tomorrow I am getting a nice sleep in then I'll see where the day takes me. Most likely seeing relatives... but the day off from work is welcomed anyway.
Tomorrow afternoon I am going back to get the fill I was meant to have yesterday afternoon. I am planning on speaking up and telling my fill dr I am completely dissatisfied with the reception staff not contacting me about the cancellation.
Thats all for now. Im wiped and in need of a nana nap before the house load of people arrive back wanting dinner!

Worst.Afternoon.Ever....

Several things happened this afternoon to make me feel foul.
Howver one of the major ones is me driving half and hour out of my way to go get a fill- only to have the surgeons receptionist tell me she had forgotten to tell me the appointment had been cancelled. She figured because I had been a few times recently I wouldn't need it. And by the 1.5 kilo gain I've had over the last 2 and a half weeks- why would I!!??!!
So I have to do it all over again on Wednesday afternoon.....
Not. Happy.....

This Week's Goals...

Had a rough few days with my uncle passing away and finding out something that crushed me.
Each day its getting easier. And hurting less. Just reflecting and moving forward.
I've found that exercising is helping me. Its a great outlet for me. I'm finding that I can't miss a day without feeling a tinge of regret for not hitting the treadmill. I love that. So I am using that to my advantage this week, and making it a goal to work out 5 times this week for a minimum of 30 mins each session.
I'm getting a fill tomorrow. A very small one, like my surgeon recommended. I've admittedly eaten like shit since I've had fill out. Its chocolate. I'm addicted. Please help! Lol. My other goal this week is NOT to eat ANY chocolate whatsoever this week. You need to hold me to it cyber buddies... I shall report in to let you know how I go.
I've decided I'm definately going to Europe in two years. I'm going to spend the next two years saving as much as possible. Quit my job and go and see the world. I'd love to move to England for awhile. Thats where my family lives and I love the culture.... things that have happened to me in the last 6 months have made me reflect... I need to do things for me, no use in saying I'm going to do things. I have to actually do them....

Rest In Peace..

My uncle passed away yesterday.....
We are all still in shock. No one got to say their goodbyes...
Its so hard to see my father trying to be brave for everyone else.
I just want him to break, so we can be the ones looking after him....

I took today off work to take Dad to see his family. I have so much to do in the next few days. I have to put my hard hat on and just push through.

That number on the scales means nothing now. Who cares. When we die will that be all that matters? No. I'm moving on. Life is meant to be lived. Lived away from weight and size. And thats what I plan to do.

I am going to live

Rest In Peace dear uncle....

A Little Break

Needed a little break from the blogging. Nothing much banding wise has been going on either. I can eat anything and everything- just smaller portions than pre-band. After almost two weeks I am now starting to get really hungry in between meals so I am looking forward to next Monday- getting .2mls in.

Today I was doing some cleaning (awesome way to spend the long weekend!) and found an old pair of pants that are a size 24.... I put them on for a laugh.... I realised I was able to do something that I've ALWAYS wanted to do but havent been able to.... I put my whole body into one leg....

Working out at least every second day..... loving it!

Bits and Pieces

I think this is an important blog post for all us bandsters, and in fact anyone that is losing weight...
http://cheeseandsunkist.blogspot.com/2009/09/big-fat-comparison.html


Well I can eat! I woke up this morning and within an hour I was hungry. There was a strange noise that came outta my stomach...I didnt recall hearing it recently. After several moments I realised....my stomach was actually rumbling! So I thought I'd take a risk and have a piece of toast. Vegemite on toast. Mmmmm heaven. I actually ate it. And it filled me up completely. Which I loved! Lunch I had a piece of bread made into a sandwich which once again was easy to eat and filled me up. Afternoon snack of nuts. And dinner, my Dad (who is an amazing cook), wanted to do Indian Night so he cooked me a feast of Lamb Korma which was heaven!!
I am really really sore from the un-fill yesterday. I had trouble getting comfy last night and if I move around too much it really hurts. Its kinda as sore as when I first got banded.
Didn't work out today due to the sore abs. I'm hoping I feel better tomorrow arvo so I can get back into it. I havent worked out in two days and I'm feeling withdrawals lol.
So I have two weeks without being heavily restricted. Going to enjoy the challenge. I know I won't go silly with food choices, I respect my new body way too much. Plus I want to try and stay below that 89 I hit at the Drs surgery yesterday arvo. First time I've been below 90 there (scales are 2 kilos heavier there). I will not falter!

Back to Band

I got .5mls out today. What a freaking relief it was this afternoon I can tell you! To come home afterwards and be able to actually eat my dinner!
*Doing the happy dance! Doing the happy dance!*
Meanwhile the unfill itself was torture! It took the surgeon 3 needles, 15 minutes and a sore Skinny Biddy later for me to walk out knowing I could eat a meal. There should be no need for me to tell you I'm sore. I expect bruising. In fact I was told to expect it. And my poor surgeon kept apologising- " I havent had such a bad time of a fill in awhile" ..... serves me right, I had just told him I'd gotten over my fear of needles after having the band. Lol.
So my plan of attack I know you are wondering.... eating veggies and salad. God I want them! I want to get as many yummy nutritious foods into me. I've missed them. So I'm looking forward to that!!
Exercise- I've been doing 30 mins daily. I didnt tonight, after I ate I was majorly dizzy- my blood sugar levels are all over the place and might take a few days to get under control.
I'm a happy chappy! Back on track!

Thank God..

Fill out tomorrow afternoon.... thank god.... I managed to get an earlier appointment...... food- here I come!!!
Cannot wait for a plate of veggies.... or salad with ham mmmmmmmm........
I doubt myself way too much. I am too hard on myself. I have excellent self control. This wont be a test. This will be easy. I cant wait for good foods!!!

Frustrated

I can't get in to see my Dr to get fill out until fucking Thursday. Argh....so it's putting up with reflux, nausea and heartburn until then.
Joy....

Relief

Leo
Suppose your house is cold. You can turn up the heating or put more clothes on. Similarly, making yourself more comfortable psychologically doesn't require a major adjustment. Simply wrap yourself in a few more layers of mental protection. Why expend energy, incur cost and create upheaval when you need to adjust how you interface with the world?


I am calling up tomorrow morning to get fill out. My band was doing quite well. It had loosened a little and I was able to eat. But, its tightened up again. And I'm not playing its games. Tomorrow I'll get some out so I can relax and not worry about what little miss diva Barbie is doing. Its pretty embarrasing when you're trying to have a conversation on the phone or via skype and you have to excuse yourself, I cant remember how many times, to go and pb. Over over over over over it.

Bring on tomorrow.....I honestly cannot wait....

Work it baby, yeah!

Had a lovely day today. Got my nails and hair done and caught up with a good friend.
Made sure I walked tonight. I get edgy at night now if I don't. I love that. Makes me feel good physically and mentally. It's nice when things click!
Just want to say thankyou to all those supporters out there. The people who comment and support my journey, and those who just simply read. You make a difference to my day and my outlook on this way of life...

Smiles!

Hey guys,

Starting afresh.... lets move on from the nonsense.... the disclaimer though is, unless you are there supporting me, helping me, I would prefer you not to comment. I am moderating my comments from now on. Now back to the reason I blog. My life, my journey, my band...

Jumped on the scales this morning and I've gone back up to 88. I understand that there are so many reasons why this could be. So instead of getting down on myself and falling back into those old eating habits that we do....I'm using it to my advantage. I feel much better today- band back to normal and my cold is gone. So its walking time again. Just 30 mins a day to start off with then I shall build from there.

I also decided that I'm not in a rush to lose the rest of the weight. Ultimately, by my two year bandiversary in 6 months I'd like to be close to goal. There is reasons behind my change of mind and heart... I've seen a few friends lately lose their weight really quickly and its not only messed with their bodies but their minds.... I've learnt who I am during this journey. And I don't want to hurry the last of the process... the other reason is.... I'm not unhappy with my body anymore. In fact, I'm starting to love it. I've spent all my life hating it, and its a slow process getting to like the skin you are in. So I want to spend this time celebrating my achievements and not saying to myself "I'll be happy when I'm ____ kilos." I was at work today and I thought to myself... " Would it be THAT bad if I was 86 kilos for the rest of my life?" And the answer was an honest, from the heart...NO.... it wouldnt be. Because me at 86 kilos is LIVING. For the first time...I'm living. And loving. And learning.

Onwards and upwards.... that Clarity I'm searching for is at arms length :0)

Success!

I have been able to eat today. Thank goodness! Since the major part of my cold is over it seems to have settled down a lot. So I'm happy about that...
I'm not loving these anonymous comments people.... I love that people have their own opinons and voice them, but I'd love for us to have an actual conversation, and someone own their comments and tell me who they are. I wanna know you. I want to know "non banded babe" ....Have you had a weight problem? What made you decide to read my blog? And have you read it all? Because if you had, you'd have seen that I have in fact dealt with my "fat issuses" and have great self control. I dont really think would have lost almost 40 kilos without self control...
I'm off to go have a nice relaxing bubble bath...
Tomorrow we start again with the exercise...had to have a few days off with this horrid cold...

So Close

I'm so close to giving up. I really am. I'm at a point where I don't care about losing weight. I care about being able to eat a proper meal without being sick.

I am over having to worry that the cold and flu tablets im taking (for the cold I've gotten because I'm not eating properly) will get stuck and I will be in agony.

I know what I have to do. But I'm scared to do it. To get fill out....

Dear Band,

I don't mind you having your bad days, hey- we all do. However when its three days on, and I cant eat anything without seeing the toilet bowl, we have an issue.
I understand my body isnt exactly working too well right now. I understand you are confused. Heck, I am too. Just work with me on this one. Im trying to do the right thing by you... I'm trying to get you to goal. Just help me out a little....


Cannot wait to go to the gp...... somethings up with my body....

Light and freeing

My band is being a bitch. Barbie and I aren't talking.... (for those not in the know, Barbie is what I've named my band!)
I've thrown up twice today and had one stuck. Beginning of the week I lost restriction. Now I feel over restricted. What is going on!!
Cannot wait to see my gp in two weeks (I was lucky to get that appointment....they wanted me to wait until November!) to sort out whats happening. I hope it resolves itself before that however...
Tonight I wrote myself a life list. It was so utterly liberating... I'll share a few things I've got on there:
* become friends with someone else named Bridget Parker
* be able to say, in success and failure "I tried"
* ride a rollercoaster
* skinny dipping
* write a book
* host a massive cocktail party
*tattoo at goal weight (69)
* sleep under the stars
*travel
*turn my phone off for a week

The list is long... but my life will be long too!! I'm going to try and get at least one thing done a month, so hopefully then soon I can re-write it. I think its important for our selves, our souls to have goals. I want to look beyond my weight goal. Because my life will not be complete when I get to 69. It'll just be something I can cross off my list.

I went for a 3 km walk today outside. Usually I dont do outside walks without Dad. Kinda a self conscious thing I used to have. Used to. I loved the walk. It was a beautiful day and there was nothing stopping me from doing it. And its something I will continue to do!

I'm slowly closing in on my clarity...

New Record

Decided one little comment wont take me away from my love of blogging....

I am so stressed people! The ex emailed me today. Blah... IGNORE.... work is Blah... (oh I should know in the next week about my qualifications.... looks like Ill be going straight to a diploma!!!) and my hormones are fucked. Cannot wait to see the dr....somethings up. Im craving carbs like old school non banded days, Im teary/moody/happy/flat, fluidy and pbing....
I pbed 6 times today.... thats a new record..... not a good one
Liquids tomorrow....and until the hormones are sorted. I was planning a return to the gym and opti tomorrow anyway so we'll see how that goes...
Big breaths, de-stress.... nothing is ever as bad as it seems Bridget...

Reflection....

I needed a break from the challenge. The last two days I havent been so awesome with it. Just eaten "normally". I didn't do the shakes.
I was doing oh so brilliantly last week. So motivated, driven and positive. This week I'm stressed, hormonal (going to the doctors actually cause something's up) and very much over it. This will sound harsh but I am really kinda sick of the constant barage of people texting me and telling me what they eat on a daily basis, what they weigh morning and night, there "when I get to goal...." etc.... I know its motivating for them. But I need a break. Its bringing me down. Hearing about someones work out sessions or loss is brilliant. But when I have people relying on me so very heavily its just too much right now.
I'm being a selfish motherfucker and saying- I'm doing this too!!! I'm trying to get to goal also. I need to focus on me!!
Hormones suck. I thought being on the pill it would fix that issue. Apparently not. I lost restriction the last two days and craved carbs horribly just like the good old days. Its been awful. I've scheduled to see my gp because the pill isnt working. I'm moody (I bawled my eyes out all night Sunday, to a point where my eyes had bowling balls attached underneath them Monday morning) and have my monthly motherfuckers once again! Stupid pill baaah!! Oh and I've also apparently gained a kilo overnight....FLUID YOU ROT IN HELL!
Its a blow.... from such a great week, to a low one. Tomorrow morning I'll pick myself up again. I'll get back onto the shakes, back into the swing of things, and focus on ME. And ignore the msgs I am constantly getting. I just have to do it for now. Until I finish my journey, I can't by anyone else's life raft...

What Needs To Be Done....

Saturday marks my year and a half banded. And in that time I've gone from a size 24 to a size 14.
Why is it that I am not more proud of myself? Why is it I am still pushing for more? Why is it that I cannot be happy with my weight in the here and now- and want that ever ellusive goal? Is it passion that drives me? Or is it fear? Fear that I'll have to learn to be happy at this weight, because I'll never get to the end result?
Should I be concerned about this? Or should I take this passion and use it to my advantage?
Does the question "if you cant be happy now, will you ever be happy?" need to be addressed?
I want to finish this. I want an end point. I want to see what 69 kilo Bridget is like.
I guess I'll just keep going and see where I end up....this new Bridget, Bridget in the 80s is old. I want Bridget in the 70s...
I'm off to go workout.... this challenge is brilliant. But not challenging enough. I need to add some spice- if I want to actually get to goal and not just talk about the fucker I better get my body moving...

Buzzed

*New photos up of me last night*- Check out the gallery....

I had a great day yesterday. Went and did some shopping and then had a great night out with the girls at Manpower (hehe). I love the fact I can go out now and not have that overwhelming anxiety of "I look like a whale, I shouldnt be let out in public" sensation. Its an excitement that makes me want to get out there and dance, and have fun, and meet new people.
I find weekends are the hardest for me in regards to food. I go out a bit with friends and just seem to have less control than I do during the week when I'm rushed off my feet with work. By Sunday arvos I get a little excited that my week is starting again and that control is back. Yeah, I'm a control freak. Maybe thats why I think I am successful with my band. I control it. I control my level of restriction and how much I eat, when I want to eat and what I want to eat. Control is mine MWHAHAHA!!! Lol.
I have my meeting on Tuesday for work. I'm actually really excited about it. To finally have a qualification to back up 5 years in the industry. I tend to start things and not finish them due to fear of actually succeeding. Yeah. Odd. But new Bridget wants to actually get to her goals.
The goals for this week are:
- more water intake
- more fruit intake
-3, 30 min walks
- 2 shakes a day and dinner

Dear Bank Account

Dear Bank Account,

Do you remember the days you were kind to me? Do you remember the days when I always used to have money spare? Well that seems to be a thing of the past....and I'd like it back....
Unfortunately I don't think, with the new life I have, we will be getting along as well anymore. I'm sorry for this. But I've found that there is this little black device I place a four digit code into and it gets me pretty new dresses and tops that once were a dream.
Hopefully one day in the future this new obsession with clothes will die down, and we will reunite in the goal of keeping money in my account for longer than a few days.... but for now you will have to let me live this. Because its 22 years in the making....

I fit into a size 12 top today......

"Its All Happening"- Penny Lane

I feel like those few months were a dream. There are no more emotions connected to that person, that "man", that nightmare. I feel greatful that it happened. The lessons learned have strengthened me, as does every hurtful experience. It effects me on a daily basis, this new strength.
I also feel free. And confident. And bubbly. And positive. And capable of so much. Life is bliss....
Great news with work....I've basically got to sign some papers and I'll get my Cert 3 in Childrens Services due to having 5 years experience with little ones. Then I'll be given a traineeship (still earning the same wage) to do my diploma. I won't have to pay for the course, and when it is finished I will get a payrise!
The GOC (Great Opti Challenge) is doing fantasically! I've lost 1.8 kilos this week! I have more energy than I have in agggges and just feel overall brilliant! I'm sticking to this, not only for weight loss but because of energy levels.
Watch this space....Bridgets rocking out!

Day 4 of the GOC!

GOC stands for Great Opti Challenge people..... just to clarify!
How do we like the new blog layout?

The challenge is going really well. Since I've started I've had a lot more energy and feel really good in myself. I'm eating dinner each night, having my opti during the day and a handful of nuts of fruit if I'm hungry in between. However with having a band fill on Monday I'm not really hungry at all.
I think the challenge will really be the weekends...if I'm not doing anything I tend to pick all day. Lucky this weekend I am quite busy so I wont be sitting at home watching t.v!
I bought a new dress tonight that I adore. It's one of those dresses I've always wanted but never thought I'd be able to pull off. I'm going out Saturday night with it on and I'll be sure to take photos for you!!

Quick Note

Just letting you know tomorrow I'm going to spare an hour to change my blogger layout.... it takes awhile to do as I have to delete all my widgets and re add them....so bare with me and I promise it wont be an animated one....Ive picked a pretty beaut one!
Challenge going well....will blog about it tomorrow!

Day 1 of The Great Opti Challenge....

So I'm not climbing the walls just yet....give me until Thursday midday and I just might.
I do however think I am in a really great headframe for this. The pre op Opti was forced upon me- I was much fatter, had a poor diet and not very healthy. Cut to Bridget, 35 kilos later- and I respect my body much more, eat 100 time better and am much healthier.
I sipped on my Honeycomb Opti (I use OptiSlim because the flavours are much more bearable. I don't care if the sugar content is higher, I can actually stomach the things) at morning tea time and I surprisingly didn't want to throw up. Previously the idea of a shake would make me dry reach. However this time around I drank the whole thing!
I definately should have had one at lunch time also. However I am so crazy busy at work at the moment I didnt get a chance to make it up. Yeap, I dont get lunch breaks. And Im working with a casual at the moment that is definately a lovely person, but doesnt do much on the labour side of thing. So I spent what would have been my drinking opti time mopping floors and changing nappies alone....
So todays intake has only been one opti and three slices of an apple. I've drunk about 2 litres of liquids today. Tonights meal is meatloaf and veggies. I wont lie- majorly looking forward to eating. I am hungry. Lol. (PS.....just ate.....yeah.... Bridget will do liquids for a bit.... I'm majorly restricted....usually Im not for a few days but since he took fill out then back in again it must be tighter)
I got a fill this arvo, I got .2mls put in and it takes me to roughly 6.0-6.1 ish.
So here we go.....lets see how this challenge goes!

The Great Optifast Challenge Rules....

Oooooook people!!! Here are the "rules"....Two optifast sachets a day- replacing two meals.
You are allowed one meal a day- inlimited fruit and veg and a protein soruce included in said meal.
Coffee is allowed- people live on this... I'm not an orge...drink!
Water.... become one with the fish....drink as much as possible!
Hungry? Then treat yourself to a piece of fruit....
Whinging is allowed! In small doses...
Length of time we will be doing this? Two weeks to begin with. After a two week review we might extended it out to another two weeks!
WE CAN DO THIS PEOPLE!
Only two meals are being replaced. Use up the day to get those liquids in and have a piece of fruit or two if you need it :0)

The Great Opti-Challenge

I have a fair few friends on my Facebook who are banded. I noticed a few of them saying they were going to get fills this week and next, and that a few of them are close to their goal and just want that last little bit gone. Now, to me, 15 kilos is nothing since I've already lost so much. So I find myself feeling like I'm close to goal. I want this weight off before summer. I will not spend another summer self conscious and away from the beach. We all know we've said that before... but this time I am serious (note: I know that last line has also been muttered once or twice before!!!)
So we've decided to embark on "The Great Opti-Challenge" .... it starts Monday, not sure how long we are doing it for yet.... but its opti for brekkie and lunch, dinner is veg and protein, water during the day (low cal cordial accepted), exercise is strongly recommended, whinging is allowed, posts must be made daily..... so far I've recruited 6 people.... if you want to join in then add me to facebook and join our little group!
I don't expected people to agree with doing Opti since I have the band... but I want this weight off. I've cracked. I want this job done. For the first time in my life im going to start something and finish it. This is my time. My time to shine....

Wednesday Wind Up....

I'm in a foul mood today. Stupid hormones and people giving me the shits.

Today food....

Mid Morning- tried strawberries- no luck. Had a handful of unsalted nuts. Then a piece of mudcake care of one of my kiddies turning 5.
Lunch- 4 cruskits with spaghetti on top
Afternoon- Eeeek....I screwed up and had a maccas cone and a frozen coke.
Dinner- nothing so far. Lamb Korma was made, but the lamb is extremely chewy and I can't do it. So I gotta go to Coles to find something to eat later.

Havent worked out as of yet. Food is shocking today. I'm giving myself this one day allowance because my monthly motherfucker arrived. Tomorrow I'll be back in the game.

I have Thursdays off, so tomorrow I'm planning to get an hour's workout in :0) And trying not to feel guilty about my shocking food choices...

Tuesdays Tidbits

I went to bed early last night. Still woke up feeling like I was dragging myself outta bed. Had a little nana nap after work also. Still feeling blah. Worked out its sinus. With the crazy weather and all this wind its really gotten to me. Least I know what it is.
LBG-I must've read your mind! I added some more fruit and protein to my diet.... here's my food diary

Mid morning: three strawberries and a handful of unsalted nuts
Lunch- BBQ chicken drumstick, salad and creamy pasta
Afternoon- cheese and crackers
Dinner- Lamb shanks and veggies

Think I did pretty swell. I took low cal cordial to work because we only have full sugar and I find I end up having some and wanting more. I did have a fozen coke this afternoon. I had a massive craving and gave in :0P

Exercise- Nil. I planned to do it when I got home. But sinus got the best of me and I had a nap instead. I might try muster up the energy for a walk in the treadmill after dinner. I am back in the mind set of really wanting to do it for my health, and feeling bad if I don't. I love my head when it clicks :0)

Tomorrow's goal: More water, no frozen coke.

Monday Wrap Up

Worked out Saturday, Sunday and tonight. The weekend I did 30 mins on the treadmill. Not a heap but I want to start off slow. I'm in desperate need of a massage and I am extremely tired all the time. I don't want to burn out. Tonight I was rocking out on the treadmill when mum came home early...I hopped off to have a chat to her. So I only did 20 mins. It's ok, I'll make up for it tomorrow :0)

Food for today

Mid Morning: handful of mixed unsalted nuts and half a container of fruit puree
Lunch: rest of fruit puree, 2 sandwich size vita weats with boiled chicken mixed with salsa and melted cheese on top.
Snack: cupcake
Dinner: BBQ chicken, creamy pasta

*TIP* I find if I simmer chicken on the stove for 30-45 mins I can eat chicken very easily.

Ok- so the food isn't crash hot... but this is why I'm posting it. I neeeeed to fine tune it. So any feedback would be greatly appreciated!!

I'm sorting out the water situation...I've drunk about 1.5 litres today.
Tomorrow's goal is increased fruit, 40 mins on treadmill.

Back On The Bandwagon....

What an interesting month or so it's been.... no words to sum it up.
In the last few weeks I've started to go out more than I have my entire life. Out to drinks with the girls, out to clubs to dance. I'm 22. This is what 22 year olds do. What's held me back? Myself... being self conscious. Thinking I was the ugliest, fatest, most digusting thing alive and people would wonder why such a disaster was let out in public.
That was then.... this is now..... I am happy. I am single. I am confident. I am free of those feelings of worthlessness.
My band is a little all over the place. One day it'll be really loose, the next very tight. It's hormone based so I'm just riding with it. I am booked in for a fill August 31st so we'll see how we go.
Something very exciting happened tonight.... I WORKED OUT!! YAY!!! I haven't been working out for awhile. Basically since the ex boy and I started seeing each other. 8 minutes into the workout I said to myself "Why the hell did I stop? This is fucking brilliant!" that feeling that working your body, is like nothing else. It's so so addictive. I'm back!! I'm back into the mindset I need to be in to get to my goal....
My end goal is to be under 70 kilos.
My current goal is to get to 83 kilos. That will be 40 kilos lost. There is no time limit. But I'm hoping that with the exercise, increased water, decreased crapnes of food, and a fill- that I can get the 4ish kilos off within a 4-6 weeks.
I shall start food diaries again also. It's a great way to keep on track and get feedback for my lovely readers....
Let's go!!! Back on the Bandwagon!!!

Just keeps going and going....

Car accident, hospital, uncle dying....big weekend.

Have a cold now....so stress and cold makes a TIGHT BAND!!!!!

Liquids for now I think.... band is still swollen from the drama of Friday night...

Just a little scare

I got rushed to hospital at 11 pm last night with SEVERE stomach and intestine cramps. They radiated into my back also. You know the type where you cant even talk- I was moaning in agony....
The pain went away after some lovely pain meds from the paramedics. I had some blood work done and xrays. There wasn't anything wrong- band is fine. White blood cell count was a little high suggesting inflammation. I have to go get more blood work done Monday morning and see my specialist that afternoon. I WAS planning on having a fill.....yeah maybe not now!!
They honestly dont know what it was. Nothing felt stuck at all. After this long banded I know what thats like. Its not gallbladder- I hadnt had anything majorly fatty that day to eat.
It could quite possibly be stress. It has been a horrid month for me as regular readers would have noticed. I also had a minor car accident Thursday. My luck.... my luck....
I just have to keep telling myself that the universe wouldnt deal me this hand if I couldnt cope. I am a strong person and I just have to keep fighting on through.
I msged the boy last night whilst I was in hospital telling him where I was. I got nothing back. HE IS AN ARSEHOLE. Looking at his history, looking at our history, putting everything together Ive realised he is a bad person. And my intuition usually doesnt sdo me wrong. I am a smart woman. Obviously I needed to go through this in my life path.....
I'm tired....I'm going to go rest...

It feels a little lighter on my heart...

Today was a good day. No, today was a great day. Today was the first day since this mess that I've felt the light. Not felt anxious, smiled from the inside out and really really been myself. The new old me.
Last night I realised a few things. I had a huge lightbulb moment when it came to the boy and the "relationship" and how I was treated. It wasnt good. It wasnt good at all. And when I realised none of this was my fault- that I just happened to be with someone who is toxic and self destructive- I felt much better. I don't need him. I don't need him as anything- not a friend, not a boyfriend. He is just a memory to me now.
I went back to work on Monday. It was surprisingly amazing. I was supported and welcommed back warmly. To a point where I withdrew my resignation. I realised that a massive reason I was stressed at work was because the boy would text me or call me in the mornings with all his drama and shit and I'd be anxious and stressed before the day started. This week- without his shit I've felt amazing.
Banding wise....I went from not eating at all to now eating everything in sight! Fill on Monday. Getting .2mls. I love getting fills. Is that weird? Its control for me. And I'm all about control....

Freedom is MINE!

I quit my job today. I gave one months notice. I have no job to go to. I just needed out. I feel so so so amazing right now!
Tomorrow I am going to drop the stuff off to the boy. Its my goodbye. I am in control.
This week is my week. I am taking back the reins. And it feels so very liberating!
Watch this space.... cause I am about to reinvent myself!

Meltdown...

I was doing so well.....
I felt stronger than I have in two weeks. I felt more in control of my life and my emotions.
Then I had to call my boss..... she was horrible. I cried afterwards. She bullied me and belittled me. I havent been happy there all year. But this was the cherry on top of the cake. I took the last two weeks off after the boy thing with a medical certificate. The doctor feels I am suffering from anxiety and depression. That was stated on the med cert. This meant my boss felt she had/has free range to ask me any personal question under the sun- including if I was seeing a counsellor and what we discussed. I'm done. I'm out.
Crying all day- feeling low. I was just getting a handle on things.... the boy called for my bday too. That didnt help. I'm not contacting him- im waiting for him to contact me. I want to talk to him so badly but it hurts me more....
Tomorrow I'm heading out- handing out resumes.... I dont really mind where I work right now... I just want something low pressure. There is a job at the local pet store.... that wouldnt be too bad at all!
Food wise.... Im getting there.... I screwed myself over the last two weeks... only eating one small meal a day... so now I'm trying to build myself back up to proper meals...finding it hard... forcing myself to eat. But I'll get there. I've apparently lost stacks these last few weeks. I can tell too... look for the positives? Mmm.... not even funny....
I'll push through.... just finding it so hard. I feel strong then get knocked down again.... I know thats life... but I expected things to be different.... I thought my life was finally on the up....

Birthday....

22 today.....starting to feel old....haha- I know, I know....
The boy has been texting and calling a lot today- after a few days of distance. I don't know if I want him to be or not.... we'll see how I continue to feel. Those feelings sure wont be going away anytime soon...
Car broke down.... cost me $255- Happy Birthday!
Boss wants to talk.... eeek.... kinda wish she'd fire me....make it easier...haha....
Feeling better.....getting there.....no longer feeling hopeless...feeling hopeful....

P.s..... Thinking of you Nikki, for your big banding day tomorrow. Love you lots and sending lots of good vibes!

The Reading

So I went for a reading yesterday with a psychic. Its my thing, don't knock it. She was very spot on with a few things....
She said since December last year I've felt like I'd lost myself. That I was in a maze and kept hitting dead ends. She said not to worry- soon enough I'd come out of it. That I needed to deal with my relationship situation and work. I didnt say anything to the woman....I just sat there.
She described the boy as a "rubber band person" ....someone who comes and gos. Said that his own personal issues wont be going away anytime soon so I needed to move on. She described him too a tee.....
Work she was spot on with too.....
Anyway.... I feel better. I feel stronger. I know exactly why this hit me so hard. I am a control freak. And I gave my control away to the boy....so I lost myself. Time to find myself again.
Its Bridget time...
Almost 40 kilos lost....gotta think of something to reward myself with...

Healing

I feel better today. Kind of in my old self. Its extremely hard to explain. I feel like the last week was a bad dream- and I'm on the other side of it. Mostly.
I learnt a lot during this experience, and slowly I am learning what these things are. One of the things that I am greatful for is the fact that the boy helped me forgive my sister. He got me to see things from a different perspective and I was able to move forward. She is coming home tomorrow for two weeks, so I am very glad things have mostly been resolved.
He isn't doing too well. He seems incredibly low. Thinks he's worthless and not worth any of my time. Hes going into a major depression. And it seems he broke up with me to save me from the pain of him losing himself. I'd be dragged down with him. He knows that and has done the right thing by me by letting me go so I don't go through that. I miss him. I love him. But I can't save him.
I have lost weight as a result of this. (Think of the positives right? Haha) I have offically lost 37.3 kilos. Wow. Almost 40 kilos. And I thought 30 was amazing. I am very proud of myself. The stress of the last week has made the number on the scales go down- and I don't in any way suggest that that is healthy. Lets get that straight.

This week is about me. Its about healing me. And I plan to do what I need to do to make myself realise I am important. I am special. And that no man- no matter how much I loved him- will break me.

The Hurt

No one can ever know the ins and outs of a relationship/friendship that they weren't a part of. I could sit here and try and explain it all to you but I don't need too. I was NOT a booty call. He did the right thing by me by ending it sooner rather than later- he can't commit. He is the one with the issues, not me. And I need to take time away and heal from this. He did love me- he DOES love me- he just cannot let his issues go, and unfortunately for him, those issues stood in the way of happiness. We've spoken everyday since it's happened, and will continue to be friends (well we'll give it a go!)....
I need to regroup and focus on me.... because the me I've become isnt the me I wanted to be...
I've been feeling low for awhile now. Somewhere along the line I lost the "spark" that I had. I lost myself.
I need to find myself again. Because I've been weighed down by other issues and lost my identity. A huge part of that was the guy thing....another part was my job. I've had a few days off to think, and plan to take next week off also so I can look for more work.
I left uni- I am in no frame of mind to do that right now. I don't know what I want to do. I'm only 21- the world is my oyster and I don't need to figure out what I want to do right now. I don't need all the answers today, or tomorrow, or in a months time...
As you can see- banded life becomes normal life again.... changed however... life isn't always about the scales (although now 86.5!) or a dress size....
I hurt. I hurt more than I ever have. I've never cried so much. I'm low. And I'm leaving myself open here readers.... I could put my wall up... but I started this blog to open my world to others, and will continue to do so.
In the words of my true love, John Mayer (shout out angie! Love you xoxo) "Good Love is on the way.... I'll be lonely but I know I'll be ok" ......
One day, there will be a man out there who will not only love me, and look at me the way the boy did (he was my first proper love, and I wont ever get over him....) but this future man will commit to me.
This is all learning.... this is life.... life can hurt. I put walls up so I wouldnt get hurt. And the last few days I asked myself why I let it down with him. But if I hadnt let them down, I wouldnt be living. And I wouldnt have learnt what I did. And learned to love. I don't regret him....I just hurt...

Done

Well you got what you wanted... he ended things yesterday. I will not go into details. No one knows what went on between us and I find it rude and distasteful the comments that were left on my last post.
From now on I will not comment about my personal life.

Coming down

I got home from my holidays on Thursday. I had an amazing time away. The fun kept on until this arvo when the boy left to go home. Then it was back to reality with work starting again tomorrow.
Sigh....
I hate my job. I'm looking for something else as a "filler" in the meantime whilst I get my head into gear. Being in a shitty job you can't stand with a boss that treats you with such disrespect really screws with your self confidence. So when I'm outta there I know I'll be able to get back into gear and focus on career goals. Right now I can't see the bigger picture...
Leaving the boy is ALWAYS hard. I drive him home (he lives an hr and a half away) and the drive home is usually spent with me crying. I always miss him. We had such an amazing 10 days together and I am so so thankful that I got that. For any of my facebook friends there are photos of us on there :0) Our relationship status is same old same old (not together but exclusive). Its purely him saying that. He says we arent together but actions speak louder than words. The boy is very much in love with me, that is obvious. Don't worry, I won't gush. But I'm extremely happy. And so so so very much in love.......
Weight wise..... um people I went away for a week.... so how about we leave it a week and THEN i'll jump on the scales? Because thats plain ridiculous and self damaging to jump on right now!! I am noticing though that I am less restricted than usual. So I will see how I go in the next few weeks. I might leave it as is- and focus on more filling food and pump the veggies into me. I am feeling really tired at the moment- but I am having really bad sinus issues. Probably doctor time for some anti-biotics because NOTHING is getting rid of the pain, headaches and extreme tiredness!!
Better head to bed.... work tomorrow.... sigh....
There are some photos of me on my holiday taken by the boy....check them out at http://bridgetparkerphotogallery.blogspot.com

Quick Hello

Hey guys,

On holidays at the moment, just letting you know I'm having a blast :0)
Went ice skating today and also organised my tattoo. Things the old Bridget wouldnt have done. New found confidence in myself is at an all time high and previous fears and anxities arent an issue.
Its so freeing.....